


the fine lines we knew

by alison



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Endgame Nouis, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 18:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1135865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alison/pseuds/alison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Niall have been best friends since forever. They're going to kill it. Together.<br/>But life and love aren't always so easy to figure out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the fine lines we knew

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to [Caitlin](http://carswinky.tumblr.com/) and [Eleanor](http://louispeach.tumblr.com/) for the betas and to my friends for being lovely and helpful.

 

Niall is the sort of drunk who's actually fun to be around even when Louis is sober. Normally Louis can't stand people who are drunker than him, like there's some great joke he's not in on, but not Niall. Niall gets relaxed and cuddly and, when he laughs at nothing in particular, Louis thinks he gets the joke. He supposes that's how it works when you've been friends since you can remember. Always in on the same jokes.

“Shit,” Niall sighs, falling onto his bed in full clothing, complete with the snapback that's off-balance on his head, tipping forward and partially covering his eyes.

Louis sets to work on getting Niall's shoes off, then moves up to flip open the button on his jeans. That's another thing that comes with a lifetime of friendship, he thinks; being able to unzip your mate's trousers, fingers right over his dick, without it being awkward.

“Did you have fun?” Louis asks as he pulls the jeans off with some difficulty, tugging them down past Niall's bum, his boxers slipping just an inch or so from the friction of fabric on fabric.

The party was huge and a proper send-off after finishing up high school. Louis had surprised himself, even, in his restraint, only having two beers before slinking back into the shadows to watch everyone else get trashed. Normally, he'd be at the center of everything, louder and more dazzling than anyone else. Tonight, though, he'd gotten bloody nostalgic and realized that real life was most certainly about to tear him a new one. He wanted to hold onto the moment for as long as possible, not drink it away.

But Niall had gotten well and truly pissed, swaying a bit as he found Louis and joined him in the shadows. The cuddly drunk he was, he slipped his arms around Louis' neck and held onto him for a good long while. He'd whispered reminders in his ear of how they were going to get jobs and move in together and how they'd have _real lives_. Louis had smiled against the boy's cheek, sighing hopefully.

But now Niall has a funny look on his face under the hat as Louis toes off his own shoes, stripping down to his boxers and t-shirt before climbing into bed. Louis can't place the expression and that's odd because he could write a lengthy book about Niall's many facial expressions and what each one means. It's gone before Louis can figure it out, though, replaced with a sleepy smile.

“I had fun, yeah. Hope you did, too.”

Louis smiles as he peels the hat off of Niall's head and tosses it onto the floor. He leans down and kisses Niall's forehead quickly, then leans over to click off the lamp, leaving the room dark.

Louis has a fair bit of experience with hauling a drunken Niall into bed for the night. He knows what to expect and is not at all surprised by the hands sliding around his waist to pull him closer, pressing their bodies flush together. Niall will cuddle just about anyone in this state.

What does surprise him is the fleeting brush of lips against his as Niall tips his head up. Louis freezes, pulling back an inch or so, his heart rate going from a slow crawl to a sprint in the space of about three seconds. He's not sure, but it seemed deliberate, like Niall was looking for his lips. And he's not looking away now, breathing right over Louis' lips, barely any space between them at all.

“What-” Louis starts, his voice more of a hoarse squeak than anything, hardly coming out at all. “Was that an accident?”

It's _Niall_ , his best mate since forever, who has never shown any romantic interest in Louis or anyone else bearing a dick for that matter. It had to have been an accident. Or maybe his cuddling habit has just taken new heights.

“Not really,” he answers, the tip of his nose rubbing against Louis' gently.

He doesn't even sound embarrassed or shy about it, like a reasonable person would when suddenly kissing someone whose hand they'd held on the first day of school because they couldn't stop crying.

“Oh,” Louis breathes out, not sure what else to say.

Niall's drunk, sure, but he's been drunker than this and not done anything of this sort. Louis isn't sure he needs to worry about taking advantage when Niall leans forward again, pressing their lips together properly this time.

As for Louis, he's been deprived of people to kiss all his life and feeling his friend's lips moving slowly against his own is so good that he's hesitant to back out, even if it _is_ Niall. _His_ Niall. Honestly, it's way better than he'd thought it would be on the few occasions he let himself wonder what it would be like. He's always imagined Niall tasting like cheese crisps or worse, but he doesn't even taste like alcohol now. It might be the lack of kissing in his life that's clouding his judgment, but he thinks Niall actually tastes quite spectacular.

“You're drunk,” he mumbles out into the boy's lips, just to make sure they're on the same page. Niall is drunk and this is probably a huge mistake but fuck if the boy isn't a good kisser.

“A bit,” he breathes back and, to be fair, he seems to be relatively aware. Maybe he's not _that_ drunk. It is, however, still probably a huge mistake.

It's a mistake he's glad to make when Niall's fingers bump into his cock, which has fattened up a bit in his shorts just from the kiss. Louis gasps shamefully as Niall toys with it through the material, like he's curious or acquainting himself. Louis happens to know that Niall has not done this. Unless he's keeping a very significant secret from Louis, he's never so much as intentionally touched a boy like this.

But that doesn't seem to be stopping him at all tonight because, while Louis is mostly expecting him to either pull away once he realizes that Louis is, in fact, not a girl and, in fact, does have a cock down there or, at the very best, grip him a bit through his boxers, he instead slides down the bed. Louis has questions, but they're stuck in his throat for a moment and then it's too late. His cock is being pulled out and Niall's fucking tongue is on him and Louis lets out an embarrassing squawk. He has questions, so many questions, he's sure of it. But Niall, the boy he's told every one of his secrets since his secrets involved the theft of chocolate biscuits from the pantry when his mum wasn't looking, has Louis' cock in his mouth and the questions in his mind fizzle out, lost forever.

He only sucks for a couple of minutes, letting Louis fill out his mouth as he gets fully hard, panting into the pillow under his head. He's still on his side, trying desperately not to fuck his hips forward and give more than Niall's prepared to take when Niall pulls off and slides up again, his breath laboured.

“How was that?” He asks, the words slurring together from what Louis suspects is something other than the buzz he's still sporting.

Louis is confused by everything tonight, but he knows he's desperate and Niall isn't even touching him now and that's no good. Instead of responding, he ducks his face into Niall's neck and lets out a whine. Before he can get too discouraged, Niall is shifting to tilt Louis' face up and they're kissing again. Louis' dick is begging for more contact, but before he can move to finish himself off, Niall is actually biting Louis' bottom lip, and then releases it to speak.

“Gonna fuck you now,” he says, sounding determined, but the words have soft edges and Louis knows he can say no.

Mostly Louis is just choking on the air he's breathing in because this night is so bizarre and he can't figure out where all of this is coming from.

Niall gives him plenty of time to think, but Louis is having a hard time doing that. He lets his friend pull his boxers off and reach under the bed for Louis' hidden box of porn and lube. Louis thinks about that day when Niall had caught him looking at a gay porn magazine and, instead of freaking out, had asked to see. He was giddy as he flipped through the pages and Louis' skin felt like it would melt off from embarrassment. Louis had explained what rimming was after Niall had frowned at one picture for a long moment, then he'd hidden under his blanket for forty-five minutes as Niall rubbed his back comfortingly through the thick material, still flipping through the magazine and giggling every once in a while.

“Help me out, Lou,” Niall says roughly, now naked between Louis' legs and holding a bottle of lube. His cheeks are pink and his eyes look so dark, even in the shadows of the room. Louis bites his lip at the sight, a little buzz of energy shooting through his cock that encourages him along.

“Fingers, one at a time,” he says, spreading his legs more. “Lots of lube,” he adds.

It's not like he has much experience himself. He's only done this once and even then it was mostly awkward and uncomfortable since Louis barely knew the boy. At least Niall's had plenty of experience in the fucking department, even if this is a bit different.

“God,” Niall whispers when he sinks a finger into Louis, making him suck in a breath and hold it in for a long moment.

Around the pure static of his thoughts and the buzzing in his ears as Niall starts fucking his finger in, Louis wishes he knew what the boy was thinking. There's no explanation offered. Maybe it's a pity fuck since Niall is always talking about hooking up with girls and Louis had only had that one experience and it hadn't even been good. His options as a gay boy in a small town are quite limited.

But Louis can feel Niall's teeth nipping over his thigh as he loosens Louis up, adding a second finger after asking if Louis is ready for it. It doesn't seem like a pity fuck, especially when his mouth moves up to suck Louis in again, just a couple inches of his cock slipping between Niall's wet lips. Between the fingers and the mouth, Louis can't hold in the shuddering groan, his hips twitching with need. The third finger is finally added and Louis tells Niall to pull off his cock because the tongue flicking over the head will certainly bring him over the edge if he lets the boy keep going.

“Do I have to do four? Not sure I can,” Niall whispers, lips back on Louis' thigh as three fingers fuck into Louis slowly, flexing inside of him to spread him out.

“No, no, I'm good,” Louis rambles, overwhelmed by all of this. “Come on, I'm ready.”

He doesn't have a condom but he doesn't care. He used one with the other guy and he knows Niall has always used them with anyone he's fucked, terrified of accidentally becoming a teenage dad. And if it were anyone else, he would never have sex without a condom, but this is Niall. They share everything, they may as well share this.

“Tell me if it hurts,” Niall says after getting his dick covered in lube and positioning himself.

Louis can feel how hard he is, nudging between his arse cheeks, and his mind spins because Niall is hard for him. He's really fucking hard and it's for Louis and that's just mad.

When he pushes in, it does hurt, but not impossibly. Louis knows it's normal, though, and he squeezes his eyes shut as Niall sinks in slowly, giving Louis enough time to adjust. And even through the pain, it feels so good, his blood pulsing electricity through his body. He shivers as Niall's hips meet his ass, their skin pressing together, trapping warmth between them.

Niall looks down at him for a long moment and Louis has no idea what his face is showing the boy. He can't school his features into any sort of expression so he hopes it's all there, the slight pain, but also the incredible pleasure that's so much more important right now.

“Lou,” he says quietly, his eyes shutting as he just stays there, his cock wedged deep inside of Louis, unmoving. Then he drops down and kisses Louis again, his hips shifting just a bit as he does.

Louis gasps at the movement, lifting his hands to frame Niall's neck, his fingers pushing up into his hair. “Good,” he mumbles before swiping his tongue out to taste Niall's lips. “It's good, it's good.”

Niall takes the cue and starts moving slowly but steadily, sliding back and then pushing in again. He develops a rhythm and Louis is practically whining into his lips because this is what sex is supposed to be like, this is what he'd been looking forward to. After the first time, he'd gotten so discouraged, worried that sex would never be as good as everyone says it is.

“Love you so much, Lou,” Niall mutters, fucking a bit quicker now as Louis pulls his knees back to squeeze Niall's sides, their bodies fitting together perfectly.

“Love you,” Louis answers because, mid-fuck or not, he'll always say it. “Love you, _god,_ love you.”

Niall breathes out heavily into Louis' mouth, his parted lips fitting together with Louis' as they kiss distractedly. His body feels so good where Louis' fingers travel up his sides, the muscles Niall has never had to work for flexing under his touch.

“Feel so good,” he whispers tightly, giving up on the kiss to drop his forehead against Louis' resting there as he grips Louis' hip, fucking in heavily. “So fucking good, Lou, fuck.”

Louis nearly cries when the hand on his hip moves in to close over his cock, stroking him. His legs are starting to shake as Niall's hand brings him closer, his thrusts unrelenting. Louis drops back, mouth gaping open as he feels it approaching, sparks of it shooting up his spine like warning shots.

Niall hovers over him, whispering, “look so good like this,” and Louis lets out a dry sob as it washes over him. He comes over Niall's hand and Louis' legs squeeze the boy harder, his arm flying up to grasp his back and his fingernails digging into the skin there. It splashes between them and Niall holds his cock even after the streams have petered out. Usually it would be too much, fingers still wrapped around his spent cock, but it feels comforting somehow, the gentle touch of his best mate.

“God,” Niall chokes out, dropping his forehead onto Louis' shoulder as his thrusts lose some of their rhythm. Louis is sensitive all over, but he cradles Niall against him, his dick slowly going soft in his hand. Niall comes a minute later, his face buried in Louis' neck. He sucks in a quick breath as his hips stutter and he whispers out, “love you,” again, his voice cracking around the words.

Louis holds him as the boy comes and he repeats the words back, wondering if Niall gets it, how much he really does love him. The words don't sound like much. They don't really resemble the way Louis feels because words can't hold how Louis feels for Niall.

When Niall finally pulls his hand away from Louis' mostly soft dick and slides out of him, Louis is barely managing to keep his eyes open. They fall shut of their own accord as Niall fits in next to him, both of them wet and gross, but clearly not caring.

“We graduated,” Niall says, sounding as tired as Louis feels.

“We did,” Louis mumbles back, trying to find the energy to nod, but coming up short.

Niall turns into him, resting his head on Louis' shoulder as he yawns. “We're gonna kill it,” he says, the words slowing down until Louis isn't even sure he's still awake. He's caught Niall talking in his sleep before so he knows it's possible.

“We will,” Louis agrees, managing to lift his arm enough to rest his hand on Niall's bicep where he's draped himself half over Louis. Squeezing it for a moment, he says, “love you,” one more time.

Niall presses his face into Louis' chest, then sighs out a long breath over his bare skin. “I've loved you since you shared your biscuits with me on the playground.”

Louis smiles through the sleep that's overcoming him and he thinks that he's loved Niall since before he can even remember. And he'll never stop.

They're going to kill it. Together.

 

-five years later-

 

Louis is flat on his back with Harry pining his arms to the floor and his lungs hurt from laughing. Harry had been doing animal impressions and Louis had fallen to the floor in fits of laughter before the younger boy had tackled him, holding him down. His laughter dies out slowly, leaving a grin on his face as he looks up at the boy with gentle curls falling into his eyes.

“Don't see what's so funny. My impressions are spot on,” he says, the glint of a smile in his eyes, lips tugging upward as he tries to force them down.

“Sure they are, love.” Louis doesn't even try to bite back the sarcastic tone. Harry's used to it anyway, being teased by Louis.

“Shut up,” he pouts before leaning down and capturing Louis' lips in a quick kiss.

Just then the front door of the flat is pushed open, the familiar sound of Niall slamming his hip into it once, twice, and finally unsticking on the third go, swinging open. Louis grins, trying to get out of Harry's grip, but the boy keeps him there, surprisingly strong on top of Louis.

“What did I tell you two about fucking in shared spaces?” Niall says as he passes by them with a bag of Chinese takeaway in his hands. Louis can smell the grease and garlic from his spot on the floor and he squirms under Harry to try to get to the food.

“If this is how you fuck, you should really study up,” Harry quips back, leaning down to bite at Louis' collar bone before easing up and setting Louis free. “I have some videos you could watch,” he adds, getting to his feet. He pinches Niall's side as he passes behind him, looking over his shoulder as Niall unpacks the food.

“Ha bloody ha,” Niall deadpans, leveling Harry with a mock glare before refocusing on the food. Once there are about a dozen containers covering the table, he folds up the bag and takes it into the kitchen to put in the bin. Louis follows, in search of plates and forks.

“Even more food than you normally get,” Louis notes as he reaches up into the cabinet for the plates. “Nicole coming by?”

“Nah, broke up,” Niall says, shoving the empty bag into the bin.

Louis frowns, but he's gotten used to this. Niall never does seem to stick with any one girl for longer than a couple of months. It's not that he's a womanizer, going from girl to girl, but when he does meet someone, he always seems to have problems overlooking their flaws. He never really gets excited about them.

“I see,” Louis says, leaning back against the counter as Niall reaches into the refrigerator to pull out three bottles of beer. “Well, you'll get 'em next time,” he tries, having run out of things to say in these situations. It's difficult because Niall never seems too upset about it, so Louis can't really offer his sympathies without sounding sarcastic.

“I don't know,” he says quietly, giving Louis a little smile as he closes the refrigerator. “Maybe you've just got all the relationship luck in this house.”

Something about it makes Louis frown, but Niall is walking back out to the dining room table before he can figure it out. He stands there for a moment, feeling a dull sort of sadness inside him, until Harry skids into the room.

“Lou,” he whines. “I'm about to eat lo mein with my fingers, come _on._ ”

Louis snaps out of his weird little moment and lifts his gaze to his pouting boyfriend. “Sorry,” he says, shaking his head of the thoughts. “Right, coming.”

He makes to walk out of the room, but Harry stops him, the pout replaced with a sincere expression, almost concerned. “Y'alright, babe?” He brings his fingers up to graze over Louis' cheek, eyes squinting.

Louis looks into those thoughtful eyes and wonders if Niall was right because Harry is pretty perfect. When he really thinks about it, he knows how lucky he is to be with such a lovely boy.

“I'm alright,” he says reassuringly, pushing himself up onto his toes to kiss Harry. “Really.”

When he pulls away, Harry is grinning again and Louis smiles, too, leading them out of the room. In the dining room, Niall is staring at the screen of his phone intently, thumbs racing as he types. When they enter the room, he tucks it into his pocket and reaches out for a plate, seeming focused on getting food into him.

As they eat, Louis is uncharacteristically quiet, listening to Harry jabber on about his classes and Niall telling them about how someone ordered a pizza, requesting exactly ten mushrooms on it. Louis would doubt the truth behind that, but a couple of years earlier, when Niall had told a similar story and Louis had challenged him, he'd come home with the order ticket to prove to Louis that it actually did happen.

“People are fuckin' crazy,” Niall says around his mouthful of sesame chicken.

Louis smiles a bit, glancing from one boy to the other, thinking that he really is very lucky.

-

“You staying?” Louis asks as the night winds down and he's slowly made his way onto Harry's lap, pressing kisses into the boy's mouth. He's trying not to openly snog him in front of his newly single (again) best mate, but Harry's making it hard, nipping at Louis' bottom lip between kisses, his hands traveling over the curve of Louis' waist.

“Better not. Early class tomorrow.”

Louis hums his disappointment and pouts against Harry's lips. “Stupid Fridays. Stupid art history.”

Harry chuckles before pulling Louis closer and sneaking his tongue into Louis' mouth. Louis should be more considerate, but Niall's seen it all before. In fact, he's certainly seen- and heard- worse over the year they've been dating.

Louis kisses Harry, the familiar taste of his tongue mixing with soy sauce in an odd but not entirely unappealing way. They've been together long enough to know how the other likes to kiss, so they just slot together easily, both boys knowing their places. Louis plays with Harry's hair because it's nice hair to play with and Harry always loves it, butting his head into Louis' hands like a kitten begging to be petted. He's very cute and sometimes Louis wonders if they really belong together because he's so innocent in so many ways and Louis doesn't want to ruin that for him.

“You should go before-” Louis says, stopping himself from getting too graphic with Niall just a couple of feet away, sitting at the other end of the couch.

“Yeah, yeah,” Harry grouses in agreement. “I'll see you tomorrow night, though, right? Zayn's show?”

Louis suddenly remembers and whips his head to the side to look at Niall, who seems fixated on the telly. “Niall, are you coming tomorrow? Zayn's gig?”

Niall tears his eyes away from the episode of Family Guy playing behind Louis and looks up. “Wha? Oh, that. Yeah, I work 'til midnight, so I'm not sure.”

Louis frowns as Harry jumps in. “Show doesn't start until ten, so the party will still be going when you finish. Come on, mate, you should come.”

“Yeah, please just try?” Louis adds, trying his best to sport a pout that Niall could never say no to.

Niall rolls his eyes, a smile pulling at the corners of his lips and he turns back to the telly. “I'll _try._ ”

Louis cheers internally and bounces happily on Harry's lap. “Good, so that's settled. Niall will definitely come after work no matter what and I'll meet you there around 9:30, yeah?”

Harry grins and nods and Louis kisses him one more time, murmuring “love you” into his lips. When he pulls away, Harry rakes his teeth over Louis' jaw gently, whispering the words back, then hauls Louis off his lap as he gets up to grab his jacket.

“See you both tomorrow night,” he calls as he walks to the door.

Louis shouts a last goodbye before he's gone and he immediately scoots over on the couch, cuddling up to Niall's side. Niall, as always, lifts his arm to let Louis lean against him without looking away from the screen. He's quiet tonight, Louis' noticed. Maybe he actually is upset about the split from Nicole.

“Anything you want to talk about, bud?” He asks, rubbing his thumb in little motions over Niall's side through his heather blue t-shirt.

Niall squeezes him around his shoulders like it's an instinct, which Louis is sure it is. “Just a shit day at work. No big deal.”

He's been having more shit days at work lately and it always bums Louis out because Niall is such a happy, vibrant person and Louis hates to see his personality be dimmed like this.

“You sure that's it? Nicole was-”

“It's not her,” Niall interrupts quietly. “Promise it's not.”

“Then talk to me,” Louis pleads, gripping onto Niall's shirt and shaking him gently. “We talk about everything, come on.”

(Everything except that one thing, he notes silently.)

Niall sighs loudly and finally turns to look at Louis. He almost looks lost, like he's trying to find a familiar landmark in Louis' eyes, something to remind him where he is. It breaks Louis' heart to see him like this.

“We were gonna kill it, remember?” Niall finally says, sounding defeated. “Conquer the world, be kings. We were gonna fucking smash it and I still work at the same fucking pizza joint I did when we first moved in here, into this shitty flat that was supposed to be temporary. It's been five years, Lou.”

The words sink in Louis' chest like lead because he tries to distract himself from how nothing's really happened in that time. A year after moving out, Louis had gotten a job as an office assistant after working at a grocer's and he'd thought he was moving up in the world. They'd had a party to celebrate and everything. But four years later, he's still there, doing the same thing.

It's almost embarrassing when Harry talks about his classes and the internship he's applying for and the life he's building. He's going somewhere, anyone can see that, and Louis is sort of stuck. But, the thing is, he's stuck with his best mate since forever. Maybe they're not killing it, but Louis is happy enough right here by Niall's side.

“Five years of smiles,” he says, deciding to try to turn the gloomy subject into something that will make Niall smile. “Five years of laughs and five years of you and I, mate.” He turns toward Niall, nestled under his arm, and drops his hand onto Niall's chest. “If nothing else, we're killing it with our friendship, don't you think? Pretty impressive, we are.”

Niall is silent for a moment, looking down at Louis, thoughts swirling behind his eyes. He looks like he has something to say, maybe, but he stays silent. Finally, he visibly relaxes and curls into Louis, wrapping his arms around him. Louis smiles, letting himself be gathered up in a hug and they stay there for a bit, wrapped around each other. Just like always, ever since forever.

“Love you, Tommo,” he mumbles, gripping Louis' waist tightly.

Louis noses at Niall's cheek. “Love you, too.”

Louis hopes Niall feels the same way he does, that even if everything else is shit, it's enough to be in it together. Maybe they're not conquering the world, but maybe that's okay. Louis thinks it is, anyway, and he hopes Niall agrees.

-

The club is pretty packed and even if Louis didn't want to be, his back would still be pressed flush against Harry's front merely from the concentration of people. Zayn's fucking amazing voice is soaring through the air as his band plays behind him and Louis almost feels bad for the other lads. No one is paying attention to them, not when Zayn's on stage looking like a high end fashion model and singing like a goddamn angel.

When the song ends, Harry whoops over Louis' ear and Louis would clap if he wasn't afraid of spilling his drink in the process. Instead he just smiles and gives a thumbs up when Zayn glances over, probably hearing his friend's cheering over the rest of the crowd.

As the opening chords sound out for the next song, Zayn winks in their direction before looking away, focusing on the music. Louis smiles serenely and leans back against Harry, taking a sip of his drink as long arms wrap around him. He's startled out of his happy, peaceful state when he sees a flash of blonde hair to his left, on the slightly raised level up. He turns to look properly and sees Niall there, elbows resting on the railing, his eyes on Louis.

It's only 11:30 and Louis wasn't expecting him to be there yet, much less to find a spot off on his own instead of coming to find them. Niall smiles and does a tiny wave, then jerks his head back in an invitation for Louis to come to him.

“Babe,” Louis shouts over the sultry melodies of Zayn's voice, turning back to Harry. “I'll be right back, okay? Need a piss.”

Harry nods over a smile, taking Louis' drink, and he kisses his cheek before letting him go. Louis smiles and squeezes his hip, then makes his way through the crowd, glancing up at where Niall is still watching him fight through the crowd.

He climbs the few stairs out of the pit of people and, up here, he can breathe a little easier. He makes his way around a corner toward the end of the balcony, where he knows Niall is standing.

He does this sometimes, he realizes as he walks around drunk couples making out and people screaming conversations over the music. He lies to Harry, little white lies, about things concerning Niall. He says that he watched a film the night before, not that he watched a film with Niall and fell asleep on his chest. He says he can't go out because he has to catch up on his laundry, not that he's staying in because he hasn't spent an evening with Niall in almost a week and he misses him.

He says they've never fooled around in all their time as mates. Never thought about it, never wanted to.

As he reaches Niall and immediately pulls him into a silent hug, he acknowledges that it's weird. He has no reason to lie about any of it, no reason to feel guilty for wanting to spend time with his best friend. Harry would understand. He'd even understand that last thing. It was five years ago, after all. Just once.

“Sorry, you know how I get in crowds,” Niall says into his ear, breaking Louis out of his thoughts.

Louis nods and holds him tighter. There's something about just hugging Niall that makes Louis feel right. It's comfortable like nothing else Louis has ever experienced. He vacantly wonders how many hours, days, weeks of his life he's spent in Niall's arms. He's willing to bet the number is impressive.

“You're supposed to be at work,” Louis mumbles into Niall's shoulder, not even sure if it's audible over Zayn belting out a high note.

“It was dead. They let me out early.”

Louis smiles happily, giving himself another minute before he pulls away, sliding his hand into his pocket for his phone. Harry might not hear the text alert, might not check, but the gesture is enough to make Louis less of a shit. He texts him, telling him he ran into Niall and explaining that they can't come back down into the crowd of people and that Harry should come find them. It's mostly true, anyway.

Louis presses in next to Niall at the railing, watching Zayn perform and taking sips of Niall's beer since his drink is probably gone forever now. Twenty minutes later, Harry appears and greets Niall with a hug before stepping up behind Louis. While an arm wraps around his waist, lips press into the sensitive skin just below his ear, a spot where Harry knows very well that Louis loves to be kissed.

Louis smiles and leans back into him, gratefully agreeing when Niall offers to get another round. After he's left, Louis turns in Harry's arms and grins up at the beautiful younger boy.

“Hi,” he says simply, getting a bright smile in return. He pulls Harry down as he pushes himself up to meet his lips. They snog for a couple of minutes, letting the vibrations from the speakers carry them away. Louis loves the way Harry kisses, like he's got nothing to lose.

They pull apart before Niall gets back and, when he does, Louis lands a smacking kiss of gratitude on his mate's cheek, taking the bottle of beer from him. Niall pushes him away with mock disgust before turning back to the stage.

Louis likes these nights, the ones where he's got his two favourite people around him.

-

Harry and Zayn both come back to the flat after the show, along with a couple of their uni friends. Louis has met Liam once before, at Harry's birthday party the month before, but he's never met Josh. Apparently he's recently replaced Zayn's last drummer, which is why he's new to the strange mix of people.

“Your place is great,” he says kindly, taking a seat on the floor in front of the couch.

Clearly he's either far too polite or his standards are abysmal because their flat, while homey, is anything but great. Louis loves it, though. He always has, even if they were never supposed to be here this long.

“It'll do for now,” Niall answers simply, handing out beers.

As they settle in, Louis turns on the telly but they just talk over it. Zayn is more talkative than normal, always is after a performance, and Louis relaxes into Harry's side, letting the conversation drift around him instead of taking hold of it and directing it as he usually does.

“So, how do you all know each other?” Josh asks during the second round of beers. “I'm guessing you two have something to do with it?” He adds, nodding toward Louis and Harry, cuddled up together at the end of the couch.

“Actually, it's all their fault,” Harry answers, gesturing towards Zayn, who's perched in the armchair and Niall sitting on the floor a few feet away.

“That's right,” Zayn says through a grin. “Niall and I introduced these two lovebirds. We work at the pizza shop together and one night we both had our best mates visiting us and an everlasting love bloomed right in front of our eyes.” He bats his eyelashes obnoxiously and Louis rolls his eyes at the dramatics.

“That's so cool,” Josh says with genuine interest. Louis smiles over at him, thinking that he quite likes this one.

Zayn explains how Liam fits in, how there had been an accident and he and Liam had been put into a room together instead of he and Harry as they had requested, and how it all came together. As everyone else talks, Louis glances over to see Niall looking at him thoughtfully. Louis' face twitches in a question, brow furrowing for a split second as if to ask if everything's alright, but Niall replaces his expression quickly with a smile, nodding in response. He takes a swig of his beer and looks away, back toward Liam, who's talking.

The conversation eventually slows as the early morning hours approach and Harry leans down to whisper in Louis' ear. “Bedtime?”

Louis nods because this is quite late for him. Even though it's a weekend, Mondays are pretty rough if his schedule gets all thrown off.

They say goodnight and Louis reminds them to feel free to sleep on whatever surface they can find, just in case Niall forgets to make that clear to them. When they get into Louis' bedroom, Harry is kissing him before the door even clicks shut, hands sliding up under his shirt to peel it off.

Louis is used to this. Harry is a passionate person and when that passion is focused on Louis' body, it makes him flush, feeling pleased by the attention. He lifts his arms and watches Harry kiss down his chest, light lips brushing over his nipples and down over his ribs. He doesn't even get to the bed, stuck in the middle of the room with Harry on his knees in front of him, cock being pulled out.

He bites back a groan as Harry slides down on him, not wanting to be too loud with all the lads just outside, only one thin wall and ten feet separating them. Harry does his best to make Louis fail, though, pulling his foreskin back to run his tongue over the sensitive head. Louis lets out a squeak as he sweetly kisses over the end then goes down in one swift motion until Louis is right at his throat, the pressure closing in on him.

When he comes, he does so as quietly as possible, gripping onto Harry's hair as he spills into the boy's mouth. Harry pops up to his feet afterward looking extremely pleased with himself and he drops a soft kiss to Louis' lips, the taste of himself transferring between them.

Louis returns the favour, this time on the bed because he's too tired to kneel on his hard bedroom floor. The bed is comfy and Louis can lay Harry out like this, kissing over his inner thigh and giving little licks to his balls before he gets to his dick.

Harry is not as good at staying quiet and Louis pinches his thigh as a reminder to keep it down. He thinks the burst of sharp pain only spurs Harry on, though. His boyfriend is just a bit kinky.

Harry moans out his name as Louis circles his cock with his tongue and he gives up on trying to quiet him. When he brings his hand up to stroke over the base as he sucks on the tip, Harry whines and whimpers and tells Louis how close he is, how hard he's going to come.

As Louis' mouth fills with hot come, he mostly just hopes the lads have turned the telly up a bit.

-

Harry falls asleep pretty much immediately after he comes, waiting just long enough to give Louis a goodnight kiss before he's out. Louis curls up next to him, soaking in his warmth, but despite his fatigue, he can't fall asleep. He tries for half an hour before he decides to get some water to counteract the beer and maybe brush his teeth of the taste of come.

Pulling on a clean pair of boxers and a t-shirt, he makes sure Harry is still sleeping as he sneaks out of the room and into the hallway. Niall's room is directly across from his, their bathroom at the end of the hallway to his right. To his left is the main living area and he's about to walk across to the kitchen when he sees Zayn crouching behind the counter.

Zayn waves furiously for Louis to stop before he can get out of the short hallway and Louis freezes, cocking a curious eyebrow at him. It's dead silent in the flat and Louis can just barely see where Liam is sleeping on the couch, but that seems unlikely to be the reason Louis can't walk across the space.

Zayn lifts up a bit, peering over the counter toward the end of the room that Louis can't see, then turns back and points in that direction. Louis, who is completely lost, carefully steps forward and peeks around the corner. The flat is dark, just the city lights outside casting some shadows over the space, but Louis sees what Zayn is pointing at. Past the living room, there are sliding glass doors out to their little balcony and it's not empty.

Louis freezes when he sees Niall and Josh snogging beyond the glass. The shock runs through him like an actual electrical current, feelings piling on top of feelings as he stands and stares at his best mate kissing some uni boy. _Boy._

He's not sure how much time passes before Zayn is quickly scurrying through the darkness to join him, but he knows it's not enough time. His tongue feels thick in his mouth, like it's swelling up, and he can't be expected to act like this is a laugh with Zayn right now.

“I gave them a spliff and went to the kitchen to make some tea and, when I turned around, their fucking tongues were down each other's throats.”

Louis thinks he might be shaking a bit and he makes a note to turn the heat up. Better yet, he should go back to Harry and get in bed with him because Harry is very warm. That'll surely cure the shaking.

“I'm pretty sure neither of them is even gay. I've never heard them say anything that made me think they were into blokes. Have you?”

Louis shakes his head slowly, wanting to turn away, but feeling unable to peel his eyes away from Niall's hands sliding up Josh's neck, pulling him closer. Niall has never said anything. Niall isn't. And yet, here he is, having a heated snog session with some lad they just met.

“This is fucked,” he says, going for shocked, but just sounding pissed off. “I'm going back to bed,” he mutters, turning back to his room.

When he slips back into bed, he presses his body against Harry's and kisses his neck, hoping he'll wake up. He doesn't, though. He snuffles in his sleep and turns away, leaving Louis alone with his thoughts. If he couldn't fall asleep before, he certainly can't now.

He eventually hears the faint sound of the sliding door opening and closing again and he hears footsteps going into Niall's room, then the bedroom door shutting. He can't hear whether it's two feet or four, though, and he listens closely for any more indicative sounds, but the flat falls silent.

He presses against Harry's back, his warmth doing nothing to help the trembling of Louis' hands.

-

When Louis wakes up, Harry is gone and he thinks that's a good thing because his mouth tastes like a battery and he feels as if he's been run over by a truck. He's not sure how much he actually slept, just knows it wasn't nearly enough, especially when he has to go out there where he hears multiple voices, telling him everyone is still there. He frowns in bed for a while, wondering if he just stays here if they'll leave him alone, but he finally hauls himself out of bed, deciding to face them. All of them.

First, he sneaks out of his room and into the bathroom to brush his teeth and try to pat down his hair. He looks like death, dark circles prominent under his eyes and skin looking pale. It's nothing he can fix without tea and food, though, so he decides to go ahead and emerge, even if he does look like something from a horror film.

He walks straight to the kitchen, waving toward the people scattered around his living room without actually looking at them. He's glad when he sees that the only person in the kitchen is Harry, who frowns as he enters.

“Hey, love,” he says, head tilted to the side. “You feeling ill?”

Louis pouts and walks straight to him, leaning against his chest. He does feel a bit ill, but he's not sure why he should. He hasn't quite figured that part out yet.

“Just tired. Couldn't sleep.”

Harry hugs him with one arm, the other holding his tea up, and he whispers a sympathetic “poor baby” as he rubs Louis' back. It feels nice and it helps, but Louis still feels a bit sick. He reaches out for Harry's tea without pulling away and he sips at it while Harry's hand moves up from his back to massage his neck.

“I love you,” Louis says, feeling the need to say it in this moment. Harry is lovely and wonderful and he should know that he is loved.

“Love you, too, gorgeous,” he whispers back, kissing Louis' forehead.

When he's drunk most of Harry's tea, he finally feels up to heading into the other room, not knowing what to expect. He grabs a bowl of dry Cheerios first, then rounds the corner, steeling himself for anything he might see. Everything seems normal, though, and Louis quickly scans the room for Niall and Josh, finding Niall on the couch and Josh in the armchair.

Louis doesn't know what that means, but he finds an empty spot at the opposite end of the couch, letting Harry drop to the floor between his legs. They're watching an infomercial of all things and Louis still feels a bit on edge, but he watches silently, grabbing a handful of Cheerios and popping them into his mouth.

“Sounded like you two had a good night last night,” Liam says playfully in lieu of a greeting from his place on the floor near Josh's feet.

Louis freezes, mouth full of cereal, and turns to see Liam smirking at he and Harry. He'd forgotten all about Harry's refusal to be quiet the night before.

“Not the only ones,” Zayn mutters next to him, sharing a smirk with Louis, like they're in on this great joke together.

Louis feels his cheeks heat up and he looks down, hoping Niall doesn't understand what they're referring to. This would all be easier to deal with if Louis could just pretend it never happened. He has to admit, he hopes Niall forgets it happened, too, and figuring out the reasons behind that is not something Louis is willing to do this morning.

When the lads leave a while later, Louis spends a fair amount of time kissing Harry goodbye, but as their lips move together, he hears Josh speak quietly next to them.

“So, you've got my number,” he says. “Use it anytime, alright?”

Louis knows how tacky it is but he opens one eye mid-kiss and sees Josh hugging Niall goodbye before he squeezes his eye shut again. It doesn't matter. If Niall has suddenly decided to start liking blokes, it's fine. Really, it is.

“You're very kiss-y today,” Harry murmurs, pulling back to look down into Louis' eyes. “Not that I'm complaining.”

“Your lips are extra kissable today,” Louis replies with a shrug, reaching up to peck him again.

“Well, his kissable lips are our ride home, so if you'll kindly let the boy go,” Zayn interrupts, pulling on Harry's arm.

Louis pouts, but lets Harry be pulled away, watching him go. He gives a wave to the rest of the boys, surprised when Josh's eyes lock onto his for a long moment, giving him a thoughtful smile like he's trying to figure something out. Louis looks away because he's trying to figure something out, too, but he has to admit he doesn't actually want to know.

When they're gone, Niall starts clearing up beer bottles from the night before and Louis joins him if only because it gives him something to do and an excuse not to look at him.

“We need to stop inviting teenagers into our home,” Niall says with a weary sigh.

Louis snorts because the two of them are all of twenty-three and he's not sure they qualify as mature adults quite yet. “I'm pretty sure Liam and Zayn are twenty, bud,” he replies, biting his lip and forcing himself to continue on. “Not sure about Josh, though.”

“He's twenty as well,” Niall answers, picking up an empty bag of crisps and crunching it up in his hands. “Guess your boy is the only actual teenager.”

Louis would like to point out that Harry is probably the most responsible of the lot of them, proving his theory right, but Niall is heading into the kitchen and Louis doesn't have it in him to argue. He falls onto the couch, leaving the rest of the cleaning for later, and wonders at what point Niall learned Josh's age and what else he might have learned.

-

A couple of weeks later, Niall is working late so Louis had invited Harry over for a date night. Dinner, a film, and sex that doesn't have to involve hands clamped over mouths, muffling moans so they don't filter into the bedroom across the hall. They'd gotten through dinner and half an hour of the film before Harry was on his knees between Louis' legs, pulling his jeans down.

“Fuck,” Louis moans, reclining back against the couch as Harry licks over him between gentle tugs to get him hard.

“Want to?” Harry mumbles as he slurps his lips over the head of Louis' cock. “Since we've got the place to ourselves all night?”

They often settle for blowjobs, both because of the noise factor and because they don't always have time to do it all. It's not much of a loss, though, not when your boyfriend has the mouth of a fucking god.

“Yeah,” he sighs out in response, resting his head back against the couch and letting his eyes fall shut. “Yeah, in a bit.”

Harry kisses the skin right at the base of Louis' cock as his fingers pull up along the length and Louis just melts into the feeling. His breath hitches as Harry lowers down, surrounding Louis' dick with cozy warmth. He stays like that, totally relaxed as Harry sucks him until he's good and hard and only then does Louis open his eyes and look down to see one of the prettiest boys he's ever seen with his lips stretched wide around the thickness of his cock. He smiles a little, reaching down to comb through his hair, green eyes looking up at him when he does.

“Your turn, love?” He asks, eyebrows raised.

Harry sweeps his tongue along the bottom of Louis' dick as he pulls off slowly, leaving his lips shiny and red. “Yes, please,” he says, a slight rasp to his voice that should be illegal.

“Bedroom?” He asks, pushing himself up off the couch.

Harry's got his jeans halfway down already, though, and he pulls them off entirely before sliding his boxers down as well. “Here,” he says, nodding toward the couch before he removes his shirt as well, leaving him naked in the middle of the living room.

“You know how Niall feels about that, babe,” he says, torn between pushing Harry's face into the couch cushions and insisting they go back to his room.

“He's not here,” Harry says with a shrug. “He won't know.”

There's something about his tone that seems almost challenging. Louis might be imagining it, but it's like a line has been drawn and Louis has to pick a side. He watches as Harry drops down in the middle of the couch on his knees, spreading himself open and sticking his cute little arse out, waiting.

Louis realizes it's mad that he's even debating what to do. It's mad because his very beautiful boyfriend is starkers on the couch, waiting for him, and this should not be a decision worth thinking over. With a shake of his head, he walks up behind him and leans down to kiss the back of his neck, letting his fingers drift down over Harry's bum, fingertips grazing his skin.

“Let me grab the lube,” he says, nipping his teeth over Harry's shoulder. “And you absolutely may not nut all over the couch.”

Harry chuckles hoarsely and turns his head so Louis can see his smile. He leans down to kiss him softly before jogging awkwardly back to the bedroom, his hand on his cock to keep it from bobbing around and his jeans down around his thighs.

When he gets back, Harry is slowly stroking himself, his arse moving up and down as he fucks his hand. If he didn't have a job to do, Louis thinks he might just like to sit down, grab a glass of wine, and watch the show. Maybe another time, he muses.

“Okay there, mister impatient,” Louis sighs, approaching him. “Hands off for me, alright? It's my turn.”

He kneels on the floor behind Harry and pulls the boy's hips down, giving him a lovely angle for what he's about to do. The first tentative lick makes him moan loudly, pushing back on Louis' face like a plea for more. Louis happily grants it and licks out again, more firmly this time.

He likes to take his time with this part and he waits until Harry is shaking from his tongue before he gets his fingers lubed up and starts pushing them in, getting him loosened up. Harry can fuck with the best of them, has literally made Louis cry as he gets in deep, but there's something really spectacular about seeing him like this. He's so uninhibited and shows no shame in the way he grinds down on Louis' fingers, whining for more.

“You gonna come if I wank you a bit?” He asks, two fingers stretching Harry out, getting him ready for a third.

“No, please, I can hold it,” he responds quickly.

“Okay, just tell me if you need me to stop.”

Louis reaches his free hand between Harry's thighs, being sure to graze over his balls in the process. He's not surprised to find that he's still quite hard and he circles his fingers in a firm grip to start wanking him slowly as his other hand continues to stretch him out.

Only a few minutes later, Harry has to ask Louis to stop and Louis deems him ready to go. So he stands and strips off his clothes, giving his own cock a few tugs to make sure it's nice and hard. As he applies the condom he'd grabbed along with the lube, he sees Harry rest his head sideways on the top of the couch, a serene smile playing at his lips.

“Why so happy?” He asks, smiling himself as he rolls the latex down to sheath his dick. Sometimes he thinks about asking Harry about going without it, but something always holds him back.

“What's not to be happy about?” He asks lazily, glancing up at Louis over his shoulder. “These are happy times.”

Louis' smile grows, the fondness evident in the wrinkles by his eyes as he slathers himself with lube. Maybe he will let him nut on the couch. Maybe he owes him that much.

“Alright, cutie, arse up,” he says, giving his bum a little smack as he centers himself behind Harry, dick in hand.

As Harry lifts himself, scooting his knees back to give him more balance, Louis holds onto the boy's hip with one hand, the other guiding him toward the hole in front of him, shining with lube. He bites his lip as he pushes against it, tight as anything, until he squeezes inside. Harry gasps just like he always does and Louis groans, lifting one of his feet up onto the couch next to Harry.

“Alright?” He asks tightly as he slides in further, getting himself mostly in before he lets go of his cock and grips onto Harry's hips with both hands, steadying himself.

“Fucking great,” Harry grits back, shifting back, trying to take the last inch or two of Louis' cock.

“Hold on,” Louis says quickly, rubbing his thumbs over Harry's skin. “Slow down, babe.”

Harry's enthusiasm is always appreciated, but he has a tendency to take too much, too fast, and sometimes he overdoes it. One time he'd been riding Louis and Louis didn't stop him and Harry could barely sit up the next day.

“Yeah,” Harry breathes out, nodding over the edge of the couch. “Sorry, just love how you feel.”

Louis smiles and rolls his eyes to himself because Harry is too much sometimes. He's too good, too pretty, too kind. He's too much for Louis and Louis ends up feeling bad being the one who gets him. There's an imbalance that weighs in the back of his mind almost constantly. He's kind of an asshole and his boyfriend is a fucking saint. It doesn't seem right.

He moves his hips slowly, thrusting shallowly as Harry relaxes around him. It takes a while, but Louis is in no rush. He slides his fingers up over Harry's sides and rocks gently against his arse, watching his dick disappear inside. It's sort of mesmerizing and Louis just stares, feeling the slide of muscles over him as he moves in and out, in and out. He keeps watching as his hips speed up until Harry is moaning and begging for more. This time, Louis knows he's ready and he fucks in heavily, letting his hips meet the skin of Harry's arse with a smack and enjoying the cry that rips from Harry's lungs when he does.

“God,” he mutters as his nails bite into Harry's skin. He starts a rhythm, his eyes dragging over the long body underneath him.

The sight is beautiful and the noises are better, little whimpers and moans punctuated by heavy, shuddering breaths. Louis smiles as he listens, glad that he doesn't have to beg him to keep it down now. He always feels so bad when he has to stifle those pretty sounds, but he feels worse when Niall refuses to look him in the eye the next day.

“Good, babe?” He asks just to hear words come out of Harry's mouth. He knows just how fucking good it is.

“Yeah, really- so good, Louis,” he answers, his voice squeaking out the words as Louis drives into him.

Louis bites down on his lip, pulling Harry back on him to meet his thrusts, and he's just about to tell Harry to touch himself when he hears someone outside the door. His first instinct is to tell them to fuck off, but then he hears a key and that can only mean one thing. Before his body can catch up with his brain, though, the door swings open and Niall is there, not to mention Josh.

“ _Fuck,_ ” Louis practically shouts, pulling out of Harry as quickly as he can without hurting him and searching quickly for a blanket or something to cover him up. “Fuck shit fuck where's- close the door!”

Everything is a blur and Louis thinks he might have a heart attack, jumping when he hears the door slam shut loudly. Harry has the nerve to laugh like this is a fucking sitcom, not realizing that Louis is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

He runs into his bedroom, praying Harry will have the sense to follow because his heart is pounding and he thinks he might have to vomit. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he drops his head into his hands and tries not to replay the flash of Niall's face he'd seen. He tries not to see it, but it's there and Louis threads his fingers into his hair and pulls, feeling jittery and sick.

It's not a normal reaction to your best mate and his- his friend, snogging buddy, whatever- walking in on you having sex with your boyfriend. He knows it's not normal, but he's fighting back tears and bile that tastes like guilt and he doesn't fucking know why.

“I think they left,” Harry says casually, walking into the room. “Babe,” he adds softly, probably noticing that Louis is still completely panicked.

Louis feels him sit down next to him and kiss his shoulder as he pulls Louis' hands out of his hair. “It's not a big deal. In fact, I'm surprised that's the first time we've been walked in on.”

Louis nods to appease him but he doesn't think Harry understands. Louis doesn't even understand, though. He just hates making Niall uncomfortable or angry and, based on the slamming of the door, Louis can only assume that's what he's done.

“Yeah, I know,” he finally says when he feels less like he's going to be sick. “I just got shaken up, I think.”

Harry kisses his cheek, then reaches between Louis' legs to peel the condom off of his softening dick. “Don't suppose we're going to finish up, huh?” He asks, tossing the condom in the rubbish bin in the corner.

“Don't suppose,” Louis agrees. For an evening that started so well, it sure did plummet fast.

-

Harry leaves an hour or so later and Louis waits nervously for Niall's return. He's able to mostly drown out his thoughts with meaningless telly, but they creep up now and again.

Why wasn't Niall at work? Why was he with Josh instead? Where is he now?

Louis has to admit that his preoccupation with his mate's potentially romantic relationship, even if it _is_ a bloke, is a little strange. But they've always been a little strange. Anyone who's ever met them could tell them that and many have. They've been inseparable since they were five so they know little details of each other that most friends just don't. Not even a one-off fuck could keep them apart. Within a week, the awkwardness was gone and they were the same as ever, watching scary films in the dark with their bodies pressed together and, when it got too scary for Niall, their fingers entwined.

It's not until well after midnight that Louis realizes that Niall is not actually coming home tonight. The sick feeling comes back, just as strong as in the moments following Niall's surprise entry hours before.

-

When Louis gets home from work the next day, still feeling like shit, Niall is home. He's in his bedroom and the door is closed, but he's home. Louis stands in the doorway, turning his keys over in his hands, contemplating what to do. Just like everything else they've gotten through, they're going to have to power through this, whatever this is.

Louis heads straight to his door and knocks softly, getting no answer. He knocks again, still nothing. There are probably a million different things Louis could do, but he only really considers one option, which is very slowly pushing the door open, glad it's not locked. Come to think of it, he's not sure their doors even lock. He doesn't remember ever having to test it out.

“Niall?” He calls softly through the crack in the door.

There's a long silence before he hears the gentle rustling of sheets, then another beat of silence. “Yeah,” he finally says and Louis can tell he's been sleeping.

That makes him feel a tiny bit better because he hadn't been ignoring Louis' knocking, but he does acknowledge that maybe he still would have even if he'd been awake.

“Can I come in?” Louis asks, trying to remember the last time he had to _ask_ that question.

Niall doesn't answer at first and Louis pushes the door open another inch, just so he can see inside. His friend is rubbing his face hard and Louis feels bad waking him up, but he hadn't expected Niall to be asleep at six in the evening. He doesn't let himself wonder what it was that kept him up last night, that's made him so tired.

“Alright,” he finally answers.

Louis wastes no time pushing the door open and crossing around to the far side of Niall's bed, the side he always claims when he sleeps with Niall. He toes his shoes off quickly before peeling the blanket back and climbing under it. He feels awkwardness and anxiety crawling under his skin as he gets settled, but then Niall turns to him.

It's hard to feel awkward with this boy, regardless of what situation they're in. Louis lets himself stare into the familiar face for a long moment because it relaxes him. He's still on edge enough that, if Niall wants to yell at him, he's ready to take it, but he can also just lie here and not want to tear his own hair out like he's wanted to all day.

“I'm sorry,” he starts because it seems as good a place as any. “Really sorry.”

Niall doesn't look away. He searches Louis' face, something uncertain in his eyes, until his lips part just a bit. “For what?” He finally asks.

The question is a heavy one and also an impossible one to answer at this point. It's a question Louis has been asking himself since he freaked out the night before and he still hasn't fully answered it himself.

“Fucking in shared spaces for one,” he mumbles because that is a solid thing, the only real, reasonable thing he has to feel bad about.

When he doesn't go on, Niall nods, looking away from Louis for the first time since their eyes locked. He drops his head further into the pillow and looks down at the space between them. “That it?”

Louis opens his mouth, but there are no words to be formed. He knows there should be, can feel that there's something, but it doesn't come together and he didn't really expect that it would. “I don't know,” he finally answers honestly, hoping that Niall can hear the sincerity in his voice.

It's quiet and Louis glances up to see Niall thinking, lips tightening and teeth working behind them the way they do when he's trying to figure something out. Louis could still write a book about Niall's facial expressions and what each one means. He can't read his thoughts, though, and while that fact should be obvious, it scares Louis a bit.

Niall finally sighs and opens his arms, meeting Louis' gaze. Louis exhales heavily, letting some of his anxiety spill out as he shuffles into Niall's arms, wrapping himself around the body he knows so well. He tucks his head under Niall's chin and pushes his hand under Niall's shirt to rest it at the small of his back. Things feel right like this. Louis feels steady and whole and maybe that's the thing that should scare him more than the fact that he can't read Niall's thoughts, but it never does. It never has.

A half hour passes in silence and Louis trails his fingers over the bumps of Niall's spine and he feels a thumb brushing over the back of his neck. Niall's breathing evens out the way it does when he starts slipping toward sleep, but it doesn't catch the way it does when he falls over the edge. Louis memorized the pattern when he was twelve.

“Is there something going on with you and Josh?” He asks quietly, hoping it doesn't destroy the calm they've sunk into.

“What? No,” Niall answers sleepily, tilting his head down to look at him. “Why?”

Louis tries not to show how relieved he is, tries not to think about it. “Just wondering,” he says, unconsciously squeezing Niall a bit tighter.

Niall hesitates, the evenness of his breath gone now. “Did Zayn tell you? About that night?”

Louis knows what he's referring to, he just didn't know Zayn had mentioned it to him. Which is silly, he realizes. They _do_ work together and Zayn _was_ thoroughly amused that night.

“He didn't have to. Saw it for myself.”

Louis feels the way Niall's body freezes in his arms and he presses his palm against his back again, like a reminder to relax. “Oh.” It takes a minute, but his muscles do go pliant again, sinking back into the embrace. “Sorry. I didn't know.”

Louis would love to ask for more information, ask _why_ they'd been kissing because half a joint and a few beers has never made him run off and snog a boy before, but he thinks it's too much for tonight. They haven't said much, but it seems like they've covered a lot. Louis doesn't want to push too far, not when he's happily tucked into Niall's arms.

“Love you,” he says instead.

Niall's reply is automatic, but Louis doesn't doubt its sincerity. He kisses Niall's shoulder through his shirt and sighs, going slack in the embrace. There are still things he's going to have to deal with at some point, things that have possibly been festering in him for five years or maybe longer, maybe even quite a bit longer. They can wait, though. They've waited this long after all.

-

It's a Saturday night a few weeks later and Louis is sitting in the pizza shop, waiting for Niall and Zayn to finish closing up. Their boss had left early, so no one had kicked Louis out this time when they locked the doors.

They've got plans to go out and, what had started as Louis and Niall had quickly grown to include Zayn and Harry, then Liam, then god knows who else. It was supposed to be a nice casual night of drinking, maybe some dancing, and now it's turned into a _thing._ Which is fine, but Louis and Niall almost never go out just the two of them anymore. It's a bit frustrating.

When they finally emerge, they've both changed into fresh club-appropriate clothing and Louis gives a little applause, a smirk playing at his lips as he looks them over approvingly. Zayn rolls his eyes and Niall shakes his head, tugging Louis up out of his chair.

It's not cold, but there's a chilly breeze whipping around them as they walk down the street and Louis gravitates to Niall. Pushing his arm under the boy's open jacket, he fits himself into the crook of his armpit, snuggling up for warmth. They've maybe been even more cuddly than usual lately, like the touching is a replacement for the talking they've been doing so much less of, it seems.

Louis doesn't know why they haven't been talking as much. It's never a terribly awkward silence between them, at least, and it's not like they're doing it on purpose.

“How many times do I tell you to bring a jacket?” Niall mumbles, wrapping as much of the fabric around Louis as possible and rubbing his hand over his arm where it can't reach. “And how many times do you ignore me?”

Louis grins up at him because they both know the answer is _countless_ , but he's not one to cave so easily. “It's going to be hot in the club, though. Then you'll be fucked.” He rests his head on Niall's shoulder as they look ahead, following behind Zayn. “Besides, I've always got you to keep me warm.”

Niall doesn't respond to that, just squeezes Louis closer as they round the corner.

-

Generally, after about one and a half drinks, Harry is a fucking filthy dancer. He crowds up in Louis' space and shamelessly grinds against him as his lips fall to Louis' ear. Louis can be quite filthy himself, but ever since Niall had seen them having sex, even if it was just for a second, he's been shy about public displays of affection when his best mate is nearby.

So, tonight, as Harry slips behind him and grinds against his arse, Louis feels a mild panic rise in his chest. His eyes dart around for Niall and find him standing at the bar with Liam and- and Josh.

And that's fine. Josh is lovely and Niall said they're just friends. It's perfectly fine.

“Why so tense?” Harry asks into his ear as his fingers dip under Louis' shirt to graze over his belly button.

“Just need another drink,” Louis says, turning in the embrace. “Dance with Zayn for a minute while I get a refill?”

Harry gives him a momentary pout, but kisses Louis and smacks his bum before turning to where Zayn is standing against a wall a few feet away. Louis takes a deep breath and heads toward the bar. He really does need another drink. It's not a lie, not technically.

“Louis!” Liam greets happily, pulling him into a side hug.

Louis smiles and ruffles his hair. “So, is this where the boring people hang out?” He teases, looking around at them. “You do know there's dancing, right?”

He orders his drink as Liam responds. “We don't all have people to dance with like you.”

Louis whips around, a fake shocked expression on his face. “You don't need someone to dance with! The world is your stage and all that!”

He catches the glint of Niall's eyes as he laughs at Louis' antics and it's enough to make Louis' facade break, a happy smile replacing it.

“Besides, you'll never pull unless you get out there,” he says with a shrug, accepting his new drink from the bartender and taking a sip. “Go find a cute bird and shimmy on over.”

“Not really looking to pull tonight,” Josh says, shaking his head over a smile as he lifts his drink up to his lips. “Just here to have fun with my mates.”

The fucker casually slips his arm around Niall's shoulder and squeezes and Louis only lets his face fall for a half a second before he's got the mask back on.

“Well, you can start by having fun with me,” he says cheerily, reaching out and pulling him away from the group. (Niall.) “Looks like you found yourself a dancing partner.”

Josh, to his credit, just laughs and lets himself be pulled out onto the dance floor. Louis stops them near where Harry is still trying to get Zayn to dance, which mostly involves him dancing by himself in circles around his mate.

“Promised Joshua here a dance,” Louis shouts to Harry over the music, pointing a thumb back to where Josh is waiting.

Harry pouts again and shouts back, “rude,” before giving up on Zayn altogether and throwing a wink to Louis. He heads back to where the other lads are still standing and, as his vision sweeps across, Louis' eye catches Niall staring back at him. Louis smiles, blows a kiss, and turns to Josh.

“Hi,” he greets before pulling him closer.

“Hello,” Josh responds, seeming perfectly happy to have been pulled away for a dance.

Louis is confused. Everything has been confusing for weeks and this is extra confusing. He throws one arm up over the lad's shoulder, holding his drink close to his chest with the other. Finding the beat, he lets his hips move along with it, rocking from side to side.

“Never actually danced with a bloke before,” he says, looking concerned as he awkwardly tries to find a good place for his hands, setting them lightly on Louis' hips. “This okay? I'd rather not get punched by your boyfriend tonight.”

Louis narrows his eyes in thought, hoping it doesn't come across as mean instead. “You've never danced with a bloke?” He asks, just barely audible over the music.

Josh looks up from his hand placement, eyebrows raised. “I mean, I'm totally fine with it! It's nice, I just don't know how-”

“Why were you snogging Niall?” Louis interrupts, knowing full well that this is not the time and that was not the way to ask, just blurting it out. But fuck if any of that is going to stop him.

Josh freezes for a second, then casts his eyes down. Louis can just barely see the colour rising to his cheeks. He waits as Josh takes a moment to think and, when he looks up, he still doesn't quite meet Louis' gaze.

“That's not really my story to tell,” he says, his lips twisting thoughtfully. “But, as it relates to this conversation, I don't have a problem kissing blokes even if I don't make a habit of it. I've just never had romantic type feelings for any.”

Louis stares up at him, just now noticing how much taller he is. He makes sure to keep moving a little, to keep the dance going to take the pressure off of this conversation. Somehow it feels more casual if they're still dancing.

“There's a story to tell?” He asks, already knowing he shouldn't be asking it. He barely knows this person and it's so fucked up that he's asking him for information about his best mate since forever, the one person he knows better than himself. It's all so fucked up.

Josh hesitates, like he doesn't know how to answer that question, which is really all the answer Louis needs. He waits, though, just in case the lad is going to break down and spill some deep, dark secrets about his best mate and how he likes kissing fucking _boys,_ but the silence stretches on. It's only interrupted when Harry approaches and asks to cut in because apparently the song had switched over while Louis was waiting.

“Of course,” Josh says with a little bow, backing away from Louis. Their eyes meet for a moment and Louis thinks he sees an apology behind Josh's before he's turning away to head back to the bar.

“Hey,” Harry practically whines into Louis' ear. “Stop making eyes at the pretty musician and make eyes at me.”

Louis turns his face toward Harry, feeling itchy under his skin. He can't bring himself to dance right now, but he needs something. Something to soothe the itchiness, to calm the curling of his stomach.

“Need a wee,” he says evenly, nodding toward the toilets. “Come give me a hand?”

Harry's face breaks out into a huge grin because public sex is among his very favourite things and he will gladly squeeze into a toilet stall and get on his knees if it's what Louis wants.

They slip through the crowd and Louis pulls Harry along by the hand until they get to the loo. Luckily, it's not crowded, just an unassuming bloke washing his hands, and they can hurry into a stall together without anyone noticing. If this were a gay club, Louis wouldn't give a shit, but he doesn't feel like getting his ass kicked tonight.

Harry pushes him back against the wall, fingers already going for his zipper and Louis closes his eyes, waiting for the touch. He's hoping it's the cure he's looking for, hoping Harry can make his mind clear of all the shit swirling around in it.

“You're so hot,” Harry tells him as his hand pushes inside of Louis' pants, fingers nudging against his mostly soft cock. Louis kisses him roughly because he's decided that words are not the cure. He doesn't want talking right now, he wants touching.

Harry wanks him in his pants as they kiss and, after a couple of minutes, Louis is fully hard. When Harry kisses down his neck and goes to drop to his knees, Louis stops him.

“Wait,” he breathes, pulling him up by the arms. “Wait, do you have lube?”

Sometimes he does, just in case- well, just in case a situation exactly like this occurs, but they've never done anything quite like this. The occasional semi-public blowjob, sure, but actually fucking in an actual public loo, no.

“I think-” Harry says, reaching into his back pocket with some difficulty and yanking out his wallet. He unfolds it and produces two little packages, lube and a condom. “Yeah. You sure, babe?”

Louis nods quickly, pushing his jeans and pants down, not bothering to pull them off completely. He just gets them around his knees and turns, pressing his hands into the cool tile and trying not to think about the last time it was cleaned.

“Please, come on,” he urges, looking back over his shoulder.

Harry is just staring at his body and Louis is willing to bet he looks like quite the slut right now, but he doesn't care. He needs this. He needs to clear his head.

“You're in some mood tonight,” Harry says in awe, hand sliding down over Louis' naked arse. “Bend down a bit more for me.”

Louis bends, spreading his legs as much as possible which is really not much at all with his jeans bunched up around them, but it's enough. Harry tears open the lube and, moments later, cool, slick fingers are rubbing between his arse cheeks.

Louis stays mostly quiet as Harry loosens him up, keeping his gasps muted. He still feels itchy, still feels his thoughts pressing in on him and threatening to develop into actual words instead of the shapeless blobs they are now. He's not sure he'll be able to handle it when they clear up. He'd rather they just disappeared completely. At least for tonight.

“Harry,” he whines softly, pushing back on Harry's fingers. “Now, please.”

It hasn't been as long as usual, but Louis knows he can take it. Harry kisses his neck, working his fingers in a few more times, his other hand gripping onto Louis' left hip. When he finally slides his fingers out, Louis nods to himself like he's psyching himself up for this to work.

Before Harry can get in, though, Louis feels it crushing down on him. The shapeless blobs, the emotions that Louis still can't put a name to. It spreads over him like molasses, heavy as anything, until he feels tears pricking his eyes.

“Ready?” Harry asks, positioning himself, his cock nudging at Louis' hole.

Louis nods, forehead pressed into the tile, hoping that's enough. It must be because Harry pushes in then and Louis both loves it and can't stand it right now. He tries to focus on the love, though, the pleasant burn and the incredible fullness. He focuses on that and not how he feels guilty for no reason.

“God, Lou,” Harry moans as he gets seated, pulling Louis' hips back against him.

Louis waits until a toilet flushes to sniff, letting the tears leak from his eyes without wiping them away. He keeps his face hidden from Harry, pulling his hands up next to his eyes for extra cover. He doesn't want him to stop and he certainly can't explain it so it would all be easier if Harry just didn't know.

“This what you wanted, babe?” As a top, he's quite verbal. Usually Louis loves it. Right now, he just wants to be fucked into this dirty wall until he can't hold himself up. “Couldn't wait, huh?”

Louis shakes his head as Harry works up a rhythm, giving Louis enough time to relax. Soon, though, he's going at a good pace and Louis lets the thrusts rattle his bones, shoving him into the tile. His fingernails scrape uselessly over the smooth surface and the friction isn't quite a cure, but it's something to focus on at least.

When Harry dips down to kiss his neck softly, fingers digging bruises into the hollows of his hips, Louis remembers in a flash the night after graduation. He remembers the kisses and the way Niall looked down at him when he got inside. He remembers how comfortable it felt to be all wrapped up in his very favourite person, his best friend since forever.

He forgets to hide it when his chest heaves with a small sob and he knows Harry has noticed now because he slows to a stop immediately.

“Louis?” He asks, concerned, arms sliding around his waist. He doesn't pull out yet, though, and Louis reaches back to hold him there, to make sure he doesn't.

“Don't stop,” he says, knowing he's given himself up and letting Harry hear the thickness in his voice.

“Lou,” Harry says again, softly, pressing his chest into Louis' back. “What's wrong? Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Louis insists, shaking his head. “I'm fine, I just need this, okay?”

Harry stays still for a long moment, fingers brushing over his stomach gently. He kisses below Louis' ear as his hips shift a tiny bit, almost like a test.

“Do you promise, love? I don't want-”

“I promise,” Louis breathes out quickly as tears continue to run down his cheeks, curving over his cheeks and smudging into his skin. “I swear, just fuck me.”

Harry finally concedes and starts moving again, but his arms stay around Louis' waist, holding him close as he does. Louis doesn't actually stop crying as Harry fucks him through his little crisis, telling him how good he's being, how amazing he feels.

He thinks Louis is having some sort of sexual release or something. He thinks Louis is overwhelmed by the moment when really Louis is just trying desperately to _stay_ in the moment, to forget the things that keep popping into his mind.

It's not his fault that he doesn't know the difference. He means well, Louis knows he does. He just doesn't have the experience.

-

Louis has stopped crying by the time he's pulling his jeans up. He avoids Harry's concerned gaze as he zips up, but once he's clothed and straightened out, Harry moves in, cradling his face. Louis' skin is burning and he's sure it's red and blotchy and sticky with leftover tears, but Harry isn't looking at that.

“Do you swear you're okay?” He asks again. Louis thinks he spots guilt in the tensed corners of his mouth and the wrinkles by his eyes.

“I swear,” Louis lies again. “Thank you,” he adds, leaning up to give Harry a quick kiss to make sure he understands he did nothing wrong.

Before Harry can ask yet again, Louis pulls him out of the stall and past the two blokes at the urinals to leave the room. He feels like he needs a shower from being pressed up against that wall, but there's something he might need more than that.

He drops Harry's hand as they move into the crowd where they've spotted the other boys, all dancing. Zayn's girlfriend seems to have shown up as well, so he's actually moving more or less to the beat, his arms around her waist. Louis only met her once and can't recall her name, but he remembers it being something cute, something fitting of her quirky personality.

Louis glances over the crowd, searching out the one person he really needs right now. When he finds Niall, laughing and dancing near Liam and Josh, he hesitates just for a second before heading straight for him. Niall looks up when Louis' still a few feet away and his face falls immediately.

Louis has to swallow down the urge to cry again as Niall meets him halfway and gathers him up in a hug. It's exactly what he needed and he should feel weird about that. He still has Harry's spunk in his arse and he probably stinks like sex, but he needs to be in Niall's arms. It's a comfort thing. It's always been like that, no matter what part of Louis' life is being fucked up at any given moment.

“Do I have to kill him?” Niall asks in his ear as they hug.

Louis shakes his head quickly because the tone of Niall's voice is deadly serious, almost growled out. “No, no, he didn't do anything.”

Niall doesn't relax and Louis can only hope he's not glaring at Harry behind him or something. “Want to go home?”

Louis is an asshole. Louis is a terrible boyfriend. Louis might have serious issues. “Yeah,” he answers shakily, digging his fingers into Niall's shirt. “Only I want to keep hugging you.”

“You can keep hugging me,” Niall indulges, fingers squeezing Louis' sides where his arms have wrapped all the way around his back. “They're staring, though, so let's go home and we'll do as much hugging as you need, alright?”

Louis digs his face into Niall's shoulders, not wanting to see them looking and especially not wanting to see the look on Harry's face. He has no idea what it will be, but it's probably not a goofy smile. Whatever it is will probably just add to the growing stack of guilt weighing on him. This time he'll know it's deserved, though.

He finally pulls away from Niall regretfully and avoids eye contact with everyone else as he turns to Harry. What he finds is confusion with a touch of frustration, maybe. He's not exactly sure.

“I have to go home,” Louis says, pulling Harry into a hug that's warm on the surface but doesn't go all the way through him.

“You said you were okay,” Harry replies lowly, like a question.

Louis nods against his shoulder. “I'm okay,” he insists. “Just a weird night, I think.”

Harry is quiet for a moment, holding Louis to his chest, before he speaks again. “And you don't want me to come, right? Just him?”

And there it is, the guilt. Louis swallows, thinking that he hasn't actually done anything wrong. Loving his best friend more than anyone isn't wrong, he's sure of it. Needing Niall isn't wrong. It can't be.

“That's okay, right?” He asks, tightening his grip on Harry's shoulders.

He feels the sigh over his ear as much as he hears it. “Yeah, love, that's okay.”

Louis squeezes his eyes shut tightly for a second, then flutters them open, pulling away. “I love you,” he says, tipping his face up to kiss Harry's lips lightly. “And I'll call you tomorrow.”

Harry kisses him, then leans back and looks into Louis' eyes in a way that makes him feel like closing them just in case Harry finds something he doesn't like in there.

“Love you, too,” he eventually says, squeezing Louis' shoulder and letting him go.

Louis gives him a half smile and it's not much, but he can't muster up any more than that. When he turns away, he sees Josh and Niall huddled together, whispering to each other. Louis doesn't have any energy left to let it bother him at the moment. He still feels a dull, unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach at the thought that Niall is keeping secrets from him, but maybe Niall has learned and mastered what Louis is still struggling with: not letting his best mate be his everything.

-

At home, Niall tells Louis to get dressed for bed, then come to his room. Louis does, changing out of his club clothes and into pyjamas before running into the bathroom to wash everything he can with a flannel. He hopes he's got the grime off of him when he finishes up and walks into Niall's room.

Niall is in bed already, smiling gently, like he doesn't want to scare Louis off. He must have looked worse coming out of that bathroom than he thought. He wishes Harry had noticed.

Once he's crawled into his side of Niall's bed, he finds a familiar position under Niall's arm. “Thank you,” he says as he gets himself pressed close to make sure he can feel Niall against him. “Sorry you had to leave when you were having fun.”

Niall tells him to shut up and drops his hand over Louis' arm resting on his chest. His fingers move like it's an instinct, comforting little patterns over his skin. He's done it all his life, been the one to find Louis at his lowest, his weakest, and bring him back up. He's the only one Louis has ever cared to show that side to. He'd always thought he was the only one who did that for Niall, too.

“Want to talk about what happened?” Niall asks after a while.

Louis finally feels calm, though, and he doesn't want to ruin it by thinking or talking. “No,” he answers plainly, letting his heart beat to the rhythm of Niall's fingers moving back and forth over his skin.

Niall kisses the top of his head and that's the last that's said before they fall silent and, eventually, asleep.

-

In the morning, the bed is cold and Louis wakes up frowning, smacking the empty spot next to him. There's supposed to be a boy there and he is not at all pleased that there isn't. He waits until he has the energy to open his eyes and get out of bed, pulling the sleeves of his shirt down around his hands as he shuffles out of the room.

He finds Niall in the kitchen, cooking at the stove, and grunts over his frown. He slides over the linoleum floor in his socked feet until he can press into his back, hugging him from behind. Niall exhales a short laugh and drops a hand over Louis' where they're wrapped around him, pressed into his chest.

“Morning, bud,” Niall says, attempting to scramble eggs with one hand. “Didn't get enough hugs yet, huh?”

Louis drops his head to the side, his cheek resting against the back of Niall's shoulder. He grunts out an “uh uh” which will always be the answer, of course. He thinks if he was told he could never hug Niall again, he'd never be okay again.

It's a scary realization. He's always understood that his love for Niall surpasses what most friends feel for each other, but acknowledging the downright neediness he feels for him is unsettling. He's set himself up to be miserable because one of these days Niall is going to stay with a girl- or maybe even a boy, apparently- longer than a couple of months and he's going to fall in love and he's not going to have room for Louis. And Louis will never be able to love anyone else like he loves Niall.

He's well and truly fucked.

“Well, after breakfast, we can hug all day, alright?” He says, dropping his hand away from Louis' to continue work on the meal. “Want to take a shower first? Imagine you need one.”

Louis drops his hands and takes a step back, wondering if Niall knows what happened in the toilets the night before. Can he still smell it, still feel it on his skin?

“Yeah,” he answers softly, taking another step back. “Yeah, I'll do that.”

“Just don't take too long. Breakfast will be ready soon.”

He doesn't turn back toward Louis, dropping sausages into a pan. Louis bites his lip, then nods as if his mate can see him, heading to the bathroom.

The shower is hot and Louis scrubs at his skin, wincing as he bends over, cleaning himself out. He can't believe he had sex in a disgusting loo in a club. What had come over him? But, of course, Josh's statement had come over him. Niall's secrets had come over him. Why those things turned into Louis getting fucked as he cried into dirty tile is the part Louis doesn't quite get.

The thing is, he's considered the fact that his feelings for Niall have turned romantic, but he thinks there would have been a moment, something big where it hit him. Nothing has hit him and Niall is still Niall. He would have noticed if something changed.

He hurries to scrub any and all filth from his skin, and changes into clean joggers and a comfortable hoodie. He has no plans to leave the flat today, wanting nothing more than some films and a cuddle marathon.

When he's dressed, he comes back out to find Niall loading up a plate with eggs and potatoes and sausage, telling him he's just in time. As they eat on the couch, Louis checks his phone and finds four missed texts from Harry, three from the night before and one from this morning.

The first is an apology. The second is asking if he got home okay. The third is _well..love you..._ and is probably the hardest to read because that's a lot of periods and Louis knows they're there for a reason. The last, from just a half hour ago, is begging him to just call him so they can talk because he's worried.

Louis texts him, telling him he's home and he's fine, but that he just needs to be alone today and he'll call Harry tomorrow.

The response comes within moments: _alone or not with me?_

It's a fair question. Louis chews on a piece of potato as he contemplates how to answer it without sounding like a prick. He finally decides on _i promise it's not about you, i'll call you tomorrow xx_ and hopes the kisses make it sound better. Harry doesn't reply and that's fine because Louis puts his phone in the kitchen after breakfast and forgets about it for the rest of the day.

-

“Okay, so we've watched Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. Should we finish it up and watch Skyfall?”

Louis has barely moved all day and the sun is already starting to set. It's been a really good day, one he needed. They'd laughed and cuddled and Louis had been able to forget about the stress building up in him. He doesn't feel it as much now after being in Niall's arms all day.

“May as well,” he answers, shrugging, and trying to reach the takeaway container of rice on the coffee table with his feet.

Niall puts in the DVD, then sees what Louis is doing and rolls his eyes, grabbing it and bringing it over. “Shall I feed you as well?” He asks in a weary tone.

Louis grins at that and pushes his legs around Niall's waist, pulling him closer. It's not until Niall's leaning over to push a spoonful of rice into Louis' mouth that he realizes what a compromising position it is. He pushes the thought away, though, accepting another spoonful of rice from a teasing Niall.

“Lazy wanker,” he mumbles as Louis chews.

Louis isn't one to let insults go, so he pulls himself up, legs locked around Niall's waist, and manages to flip them to the side, but he can't quite get Niall under him to properly tackle him. The rice flies and Louis winces as he unsuccessfully tries to straddle Niall's hips.

“Louis, you arse,” Niall grunts, grabbing his arm and holding him still. “You're cleaning this up.”

Louis gives up, one leg still trapped under Niall where they're lying side by side, fronts almost pressed together. “You called me lazy!” He retorts, trying to free his leg, but giving up after one tug. Niall isn't any bigger than him, but he's quite solid.

“Says the boy who can't even be fucked to push me off of him.”

Louis pouts at that and Niall rolls his eyes, pulling him into a hug. It seems like they really have been hugging all day, but Louis isn't bored with it yet. He happily buries his face in Niall's neck, breathing in the familiar scent. He should clean up the rice before it gets smashed into the fabric of the couch, but Niall's fingers are dug into Louis' hair, rubbing over his scalp, and he's sure as fuck not going to move now.

It's really simple, in the end. A tiny movement, just a slow tilt of the head. He finds Niall's lips and presses into them softly like it's not a big deal, like they always do this. It's ridiculous how close they've been cutting it all these years. One tiny little step and they've crossed the paper thin line that's been keeping them in the _just friends_ territory.

Louis barely moves as he kisses him gently, a slow rush of adrenaline filling him as he realizes that Niall isn't pulling away. He isn't pushing into it either, though, so Louis leans back after a few seconds, dipping his head down and letting his temple rest against the side of Niall's chin.

“Sorry,” he whispers, feeling just as confused as ever. The kiss was good. Amazing, even, like Niall's hugs concentrated down to their lips and bursting slowly inside of Louis' chest like warm honey spilling over. He can't really imagine anything better, honestly, but it still doesn't feel like a big _thing._ Niall is still Niall. And Louis loves him just like he always has.

Niall's fingers had stilled in his hair when their lips had touched, but they start moving again now, slow drags over his scalp. Louis wishes he would say something to reassure him that it's okay, but his fingertips are enough right now. It calms him enough that he speaks again, feeling like it's time to say some of the things that have been bothering him.

“I think I'm fucked up or something,” he says, keeping his eyes closed, face hidden in Niall's neck. “I've been going fucking crazy lately and all of my feelings are just a big mess and I can't tell what's real and what's not, you know?” He takes in a slow breath, then releases the air with his words. “I just know I'm happiest with you and that doesn't really bode well for my current or future relationships, does it? So, yeah. I think I'm fucked up.”

Niall actually laughs. It's not a big laugh, just his chest vibrating where it's pressed against Louis' and soft air pushing out of his lungs, but it's a laugh and Louis snaps his head back to look up at him. “You're laughing at my dysfunction?” He asks incredulously, shoving at Niall's shoulder. “Jesus, Niall, I just kissed you, you prick.”

Niall laughs harder at that, grabbing Louis' arm when he tries to hit him again and pulling him closer when Louis struggles against him.

“I'm not laughing at you,” he argues, even as his breath hitches when he giggles between the words. “I'm not, it's just that we really are fucked up.”

Louis gives up his struggle, mostly because Niall is somehow stronger than him, scrawny thing that he is, but also because of the use of the word _we_. Louis doesn't know what that means, but it's comforting to know that Niall is putting himself in Louis' boat, that they're together in this. Just like everything. Since forever.

“Is that why you can never keep a girlfriend then?” Louis asks, a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

Niall's hand is still on Louis' arm from holding him down and he relaxes his grip, sliding his fingertips up over Louis' shoulder until his hand comes to a stop, cupping the back of his neck. The touch leaves a trail of goosebumps in their wake and Louis' smirk falls when he sees that Niall's not laughing anymore.

“That supposed to be a joke?” He asks, lifting his eyebrows a bit, his teeth slipping down to bite his bottom lip nervously.

Louis doesn't really know what to feel. More guilt, maybe, that he's apparently ruined all of Niall's relationships without even realizing. Anxiety that he can't tell where this conversation is heading. Happiness that he's not the only one here with serious issues. He's not sure. Like his emotions have been for weeks, they all blur together until he can't really pick one out.

 _Why were you kissing Josh?_ He wants to ask it, the question he's been obsessing over since that night, but the words stay trapped in his throat, making it hard to breathe. He looks down, feeling overwhelmed by all of it, the things they're saying and, more importantly, the things they're not.

“I'm really fucked up,” he says again, his voice coming out weakly, constricted by the words caught in his throat.

Niall sighs sadly, his fingers moving against the back of Louis' neck. He leans in and presses a kiss to Louis' forehead, letting his lips rest there for a moment before pressing them into another kiss.

“Love you.”

Louis exhales a shaky breath, letting his eyelids fall shut. “Love you, too.”

Maybe- probably- more than he should.

-

Louis' job is boring, but it's perfect for a day like today, when his mind isn't really capable of focusing on anything difficult. He basically does the work that any idiot can do, that the trained professionals don't have time to do.

He's got a little desk at the back of the room, but he spends a lot of his time flitting around the room, stocking the supplies or delivering messages. It's a job he never has to take home with him because there's nothing to take. (Except for that one time when he'd taken home one of the sales associates, a cocky older bloke with a quiff the size of his ego.)

Louis is finishing up the last of a bit of filing before lunch when he looks over and sees Harry walking in the door, looking around anxiously. He's never been here, much less dropped by unannounced, and Louis is more than surprised to see him.

He stuffs the last of the documents into their respective files before jogging toward the door. When Harry sees him, his eyes light up, but Louis also notices how the light fades quickly.

“Hey, love,” Louis says quietly, not wanting to disturb anyone and also not really wanting anyone here to become acquainted with his personal life. “What are you doing here?”

Harry still looks nervous and quite awkward, shuffling his feet on the carpet. “Wanted to see if you'd let me take you to lunch?” His eyes keep darting away and Louis can't tell if it's because he's uncomfortable being at Louis' work or if he's just uncomfortable being with Louis right now.

Louis tilts his head to the side, bringing his hand up to Harry's upper arm and squeezing gently. “Of course, yeah,” he answers, then pats his pocket to make sure he's got his keys and his phone. “All set, actually.”

As they head out the door and into the hall, Louis takes Harry's hand and tugs it a little, hoping to loosen him up. He should feel worse about the quick kiss he and Niall had shared the day before, he knows he should, but it's Niall. It's hard to feel guilty about it. He does, however, feel pretty terrible that Harry is clearly nervous and on edge.

“Why didn't you call or text?” He asks as they ride the elevator down to the main floor.

Harry releases Louis' hand and slips his arm around Louis' shoulder, glancing over at him. “You don't always answer, do you?”

Louis drops his gaze quick enough that it's obvious that he does feel guilty about that part. He feels guilty about asking Harry to fuck him as he cried and about leaving immediately afterward. He feels guilty for leaving his boyfriend confused and worried and maybe he does actually feel a bit guilty for kissing his best mate in the meantime.

“I would have,” he says, leaning into Harry's body.

He thinks he means it.

-

After they've ordered their meals at a little sit-down deli around the corner from his office, Louis takes a deep breath and finds Harry's eyes, squaring his shoulders like he's just waiting. He knows something is coming, something awkward and uncomfortable, and he's made his mind up not to be an asshole again.

“I'm glad you're feeling better,” Harry says quietly, dropping his hand over Louis' on the table. “You were- I mean, what was that?”

Louis' heart thumps a little more heavily in his chest as Harry looks at him, desperate for answers. And the thing is, he doesn't have them. He has half-formed thoughts and vague feelings, but he can't explain it in a way that makes any proper sense.

Instead, he decides to be honest about what he _can_ be honest about.

“I lied to you once,” he says, dropping his voice and looking into his water glass. “When you asked if Niall and I had ever fooled around? I lied when I said no.”

He can already feel Harry's fingers twitching to pull away and, yes, he is such an asshole. “I don't know why I lied, honestly, because there was no real reason to. We were seventeen when it happened and it was only the one time.” He takes a breath, trying to suck it in slowly to calm his shakiness, and he looks up. Harry looks a bit afraid, but he's not running away and he's not angry, anyway. “Remember Zayn's show a few weeks ago? When everyone came back to our flat?”

Harry nods, the worry spreading, like the danger is becoming more imminent.

“Did Zayn tell you Niall and Josh were kissing that night?” Harry's face slumps to confusion. Louis gives him a half smile, understanding his answer from that. “After you fell asleep, I left to grab some water. They were snogging on the balcony.”

“What-” Harry says, his voice coming out hoarse. He shakes his head, eyes squinted in confusion, then focuses on Louis again. “What does any of this have to do with Saturday night?”

Louis slips his hand out from under Harry's to run it through his hair. He wipes both of his hands over his face, trying to think of what exactly to say. In the end, he opens his mouth and lets the words come out without really thinking about them.

“When I saw them kissing, I think I was mostly upset because I thought I was the only boy he'd ever kissed. And I thought the reason it only happened that once was because I was a boy.”

Louis can feel a swelling in his throat as Harry drops his head, looking down at the table. This is too much. He should have known better than to do this in public because not only does he feel awful that he's hurting Harry, but it's a realization he's never actually admitted to himself in so many words. It tugs in his stomach, making him feel queasy.

“It's all just been building up since then, I think, and it came out Saturday night. And, fuck, Harry, I'm so, so sorry that I put that on you. I'm sorry I asked-” He stops, shaking his head at the memory coated in neon and grime. “I'm sorry for all of it,” he says again and, honestly, he has a lot to be sorry for.

Harry is silent for a long while and Louis can see that he's thinking through it, so he gives him time. Their food comes and Louis tries to smile his thanks at the waitress, but his lips are pulled tight and his heart is hammering in his chest. He doesn't even look at his sandwich, pushing it away with shaky fingers.

“So,” Harry finally says, clearing his throat. “So, where does that leave us then? I love you and I want to be with you, but I'm also not going to sit around and wait to see if you decide to act on the feelings you clearly have for him.”

Louis almost wishes he was yelling or sounded angry at all, but he doesn't. His voice is so calm, barely even an edge to it, and his expression is patient if not as warm as Louis is used to with him.

But Louis is hung up on the fact that Harry thinks it's clear that he has feelings for Niall. He supposes that, to an outsider, that's an easy assumption to make. It doesn't change the fact that Louis has felt no fall, hasn't had the moment he's been waiting for where he knows that's what it is.

“I don't know,” he barely squeaks out, his throat sore from flexing it over the lump lodged in it, trying not to cry right here in this restaurant. “I- fuck, I don't know anything, Harry.”

Harry deflates a bit, like he's been fighting to keep it together and now he's run out of energy. Louis understands because his own energy is dwindling. He should be fighting for Harry, probably. He's the best person Louis has ever been with, the best _for_ him, and he might lose that because he loves his best mate a little too much. He's so fucked up.

“I needed more than that, I think,” Harry whispers, staring at his own hands. “I think that's not enough.”

The words make Louis' chest ache because it's been well over a year and it's ending right now, in this very moment, and Louis doesn't even know the reasons behind the why of it. “I'm sorry,” Louis says again, his throat squeezing too much this time. He can't quite stop the tears from springing to his eyes as he looks up, shaking his head. “I really do love you.”

Harry's eyes are shining now, too, and he looks out the window for a long moment, trying to regulate his breathing. Louis has seen him do it a couple of times, after a sad movie or that time he failed his final. He's never been the cause of it before and the feeling is one of the worst Louis has had.

“Not sure how much stock I can put into your perception of love,” he says, tilting the corner of his mouth up in a gesture of good humour. “You don't seem to know it when you see it.”

Louis knows it's not a comment that's meant to cut through him, but it does. Maybe Louis really doesn't know a fucking thing about love. Maybe that's why it hasn't hit him with Niall, because he's so incredibly fucked up that he can't love properly much less understand it.

Harry is quiet for another long moment before he clears his throat and starts digging around in his pocket. “Did you ever find out then?” Harry asks. “Why Niall was kissing Josh that night?”

Louis rips his eyes up to find shiny green ones looking back at him, unwavering this time. He shakes his head, biting down on his quivering lip. “I asked Josh Saturday, when I was dancing with him? I asked and he said it wasn't his story to tell. I haven't asked Niall yet.”

Harry nods slowly, pulling his wallet out from his pocket and holding it in his hands, just looking for another moment before speaking again, softly. “I'd make a bet that the answer will be because he couldn't be kissing you.”

He pulls a note from his wallet and drops it on the table before sliding out of the booth. Louis doesn't even have time to shake the shock of his statement from his brain before Harry is kissing the top of his head and walking out of the restaurant.

Louis spends the rest of his lunch break locked in the restaurant toilet, letting it all sink in. When he emerges to a grumpy looking man waiting impatiently, Louis probably looks just as terrible as he did Saturday night after his meltdown.

He can't tell if he feels worse, better, or both.

-

After work that day, Louis gets home to an empty flat. Niall's working all night and Louis makes sure he's in bed before he gets home. Maybe he should have felt encouraged by Harry's parting words, but it really just left a ball of anxiety to sizzle around the hurt and sadness lingering in him.

Endings are hard for Louis. His dad left when he was young and the sting of it had never really disappeared. He remembers spending night after night at Niall's house, too afraid to go home to a home where he wouldn't find his dad. He remembers hiding under the sheets with Niall late at night, his hand covering a flashlight so just the subtle glow of it lit up their faces. He remembers Niall whispering to him that this could be his new home.

He didn't mean his house.

Along with the end of his relationship with Harry bearing on his mind, he has to take a minute to think about the thing with Niall. He can't deny that his feelings for him edge over the line of friendship, even if he hasn't had his big revelatory moment yet. But if that means something might happen between them, he has to take into account the fact that most relationships have endings. Louis has seen it firsthand, has experienced it enough to know.

One thing he's learned in all of this, one clear realization he's had, is that he can't be without Niall. He's never had to, not in his entire life, and he doesn't know what he'd do if it came to that. Honestly, he doesn't even know who he'd be.

He can't risk that, not ever.

-

When he finally sees Niall again, it's the next night. He's been working late again, but this time Louis has stayed up, sitting out on the balcony and tapping his foot restlessly in the darkness. When the sliding glass door opens, Louis jolts in surprise, looking up to see Niall slipping out of the flat, his eyes finding Louis' right away.

“Hey,” he says softly, closing the door behind him. “You alright? Zayn told me what happened.”

Louis nods and stands from his chair, making the few steps across the small area to slide into Niall's ready arms. “Yeah,” he says, dropping his forehead onto Niall's shoulder. “I think so. I don't really know.”

Niall's hand runs over his back and Louis thinks he might cry again, but he holds it in. He's cried enough lately.

“Did something happen?”

Louis has made up his mind. He's going to be honest about the things he can, the things he knows. So, he sighs and leans back so he can look into Niall's eyes. “You kissed Josh,” he says quietly, the night seeming almost silent around them. “And I broke apart a little.”

Niall's eyes squint in confusion as he brings a hand up to the side of Louis' neck, cradling it as he searches Louis' eyes for some explanation. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that it hurt to see you kissing another boy because you don't kiss boys and I always thought that if you'd ever wanted to kiss a boy, it would be, you know, _me._ I mean that it fucked with my head for weeks and it still kind of is.”

Niall's eyes squint tightly shut like it hurts him to hear it, but it's time to do this. Louis knows it's time to finally say these things out loud and hope they don't ruin everything.

“Louis,” he breathes out, blinking open his eyes. “Do you remember what happened the night after graduation? Do you remember how that all went down?”

Louis bites his lip, his heart speeding up because they've never talked about it, not even when they saw each other two days after it happened. They've never so much as said a word and now here it is, on the table.

“Of course I remember,” he whispers back, like it's a secret. Which it's sort of felt like for the last five years, something to be hidden away in the corners of Louis' mind.

“I started it, _I_ kissed you. I- I started it all, remember?” He says, thumb grazing over the curve of Louis' neck. “And when I woke up, you were throwing on your clothes and running out of my room like you couldn't stand to be there another second, do you remember that?”

Louis twists his lips because, no, he doesn't remember it quite like that. “I wasn't-”

“You _were,_ Louis,” he interrupts. Louis lets him because he seems to need to get something out. He'll correct him later. “You ran off and I knew I'd pushed too far and then, somehow, it didn't ruin our friendship. You came back and we were still us and I knew I'd dodged a bullet, so I let it be.”

Louis can hear his heartbeat in his ears as Niall's thumb moves up, tracing little circles behind his ear. Louis' arms feel numb where they hang over Niall's shoulders, but he doesn't move them, doesn't dare.

“I've kissed other blokes, okay?” He sighs out, eyes flickering down, away from Louis'. “Since graduation, I mean, I've kissed boys because I thought maybe that was the thing that made it feel so right with you, but it never felt that way with any of them. Everyone I've dated, everyone I've kissed, it's all been in the hope that maybe I'll find someone who makes me feel the way you do.” Before Louis can let any of that sink in, Niall shakes his head and looks up again, eyes glittering in the darkness. “I've gone through phases over these past few years. Told myself it was just that we've always been so close, always loved each other, and that was all there was to it. Told myself it was just because it was graduation and we were excited.” Louis recognizes some of this, has thought it himself. “But I gave up on all of that after a while because two, three, four years later, you were still the only one who made me feel anything like that. So, yeah, I've wanted to a kiss a boy for a long time and, yes, it's always been you.”

Louis can only gape at him. He can't even think because that's too fucking much information and he feels like he might fall over from the weight of it. Instead, he hugs him close again, pressing his face into Niall's neck because he needs something to hold onto, to keep him up, and Niall has always been good at that. His hands are shaking where they're dug into Niall's shirt and, fuck, Louis needs more than just a minute to deal with all of this.

“I- I can't right now, I-” he stutters, squeezing his eyes tightly to block out the tears he knows are threatening to materialize.

“Shit, that was too much, wasn't it?” Niall answers, hiking Louis up to hold him so tightly that Louis thinks he might go short of breath. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-”

“No,” Louis says, shaking his head into Niall's skin. “I'm glad you did but I just- I just broke up with him and now this and I can't _lose_ you, Niall.”

Despite his attempts against it, his eyes grow hot and his throat tightens. His fingernails scrape against the back of Niall's neck, grasping at him and clinging on like he might slip away just because it's out there now, all of the things that Niall has said.

“Hey, you're not, you won't,” Niall says quickly, not asking for clarification of the seemingly random thought. He doesn't ask because Niall was there to watch all of Louis' insecurities and fears form. He watched them bloom from single experiences, watched them in action as the flaws settled into Louis and became permanent parts of him.

“Let's take a break, okay?” He suggests, kissing Louis' shoulder. “It's late and it's been a rough few days, so let's just get some sleep and we'll come back to it later, yeah?”

Louis agrees because he doesn't honestly trust himself to finish this conversation, to tell his own version of the events of their life tonight. His brain is so full of Niall's words, flashing big and bright, and he needs to let them shrink down into something manageable before he can respond.

When they go inside, Niall stops in the hallway, glancing across at Louis' room, them toward his own. Louis doesn't hesitate in walking into Niall's room and climbing into his bed. He's only going to be able to calm down from this if he's got Niall's arms around him.

He sees the blatant irony in that, but he doesn't give a shit.

-

The next day of work is hell. He's exhausted from not getting enough sleep and from everything weighing on his mind. His boss yells at him for forgetting to index the new clients and Louis has to bite his tongue not to tell him to go fuck himself. Instead he takes a walk around the block to calm down. It's just enough that he can come back in and do the indexing without screaming or crying.

He falls asleep well before Niall gets home that night, too exhausted to stay awake, much less try to have a conversation about his stupid, mixed-up feelings.

It's not until the next night, when he's just sat down with a microwaved frozen dinner and started flipping through the channels to find something worthwhile, that he finally sees Niall again. Louis has been trying to build up some momentum for the inevitable talk, but he's surprised when Niall growls as he throws himself against the door that's always stuck, no matter how much lubricant they put on it. He slams the door closed behind him, kicking it.

“Stupid fucking door,” he grits out, moving into the flat and dropping his keys noisily on the counter.

Louis' eyes go wide because Niall almost never gets angry like this. He's one of the most laid-back people in the universe, so whatever it is, Louis is worried.

“Hey,” Louis says, dropping his meal onto the coffee table and staring up at Niall anxiously. “What's wrong?”

When Niall's eyes fall to Louis, he seems to lose some of his aggression, his shoulders slumping. He's still clearly not happy, but at least he probably won't be punching any walls.

“They fucking promoted me,” he says before he turns to the kitchen. Louis can hear the refrigerator door, then sees Niall return to the room with a beer in his hand, lips set in a tight line.

“Okay,” Louis says slowly, furrowing his brow. “And that's bad? I thought that was generally a good thing.”

Niall drops down next to him and Louis tucks his feet up under himself, turning toward him. Clearly, any conversation he'd been gearing himself up for will have to be postponed.

“I'm twenty-three and I work in a fucking pizza shop and now, apparently, I'm the manager of a fucking pizza shop.” He takes a swig of his beer and Louis drops his head against the back of the couch, waiting. “Is that all I'm good enough for? Is that all I'll ever be?”

Louis' face falls because it hurts to hear that from his best mate, the person he loves more than anyone. “You're the best,” Louis argues softly through his frown. “You're good enough to be anything.”

It hurts more when Niall laughs at that, not even meeting Louis' gaze. He takes another sip from his beer, then looks up at the ceiling, huffing out a sigh. “And yet all I've achieved is being so good at flipping around dough that now I get to tell other people how to flip around dough.”

Louis frowns harder and scoots across the couch, lifting his arm over the back of it to hug Niall around his shoulders. “They didn't promote you because you're good at flipping dough, you arse. If that's all you were good at, they'd probably rather you kept doing it. They promoted you because you're responsible and hard-working. You don't show up stoned like Zayn and you don't forget to lock the door like that other bloke, Andy. They promoted you because you're good for _more_ than flipping dough.”

Niall doesn't respond for a long moment. He drops his gaze from the ceiling and stares ahead of him and Louis can only sit and wait, squeezing his shoulder gently.

“I just feel like I'll never get out now,” he finally says, dropping his head back against Louis' arm, then rolling it until he's resting against Louis' shoulder.

“You will,” Louis says, pinching his arm lightly. “We both will.”

Niall sighs again, picking his hand up and dropping it onto Louis' knee, his thumb moving over the denim of his jeans. Louis smiles and drops his chin onto the top of Niall's head, thinking that maybe he hasn't solved anything at all, but Niall at least seems calmer. Louis feels accomplished if only for that.

“Want to find some terrible reality TV and I'll rub your shoulders?” He asks softly.

When Niall suddenly perks up and slides down off the couch, ripping off his shirt, Louis laughs loudly, suddenly feeling lighter than he has in days. Niall smiles up at him, like the laughter is almost contagious, and he elbows Louis' knee, tilting his head back to encourage him to move along. Louis smacks him on the back of the head, but slides in behind him, dropping his hands over Niall's bare shoulders as Niall flips through the channels.

Anything he has to say can wait. He needs this, a night with his best mate where he doesn't have to try to sort through any of his feelings.

-

Niall has apparently understood all night, but when they're in the kitchen eating spoonfuls of cookie dough at 11 and Louis announces that he's going to bed, Niall pulls him back by the waist. Louis lets out a little “oof” as he's pulled back against Niall's chest, but he doesn't struggle away, looking over his shoulder curiously.

“I hope my work thing didn't get in the way of you saying anything you wanted to say to me,” he says, holding Louis against him with his hand flat on Louis' belly.

Louis looks down because he can't really see Niall from this position and he gets that that might be the point. “I think- I think more time would be good, maybe,” Louis says, lifting his own hand to cover Niall's on his stomach.

“Okay,” Niall agrees quickly. “As long as you're not, like, avoiding me, you can take as much time as you need.”

Louis doesn't even bother to address the avoidance thing because clearly he's not. They're pressed up against each other in a dark kitchen and they've spent the night together, being them, so that's obviously not an issue.

“There's one thing I do want to say, I think,” he adds before Niall lets him go. He likes the touch, the warmth from his hand seeping through to warm Louis' skin. “Something you said that was wrong.”

“Hmm?”

Louis takes a deep breath and gets ready because, even though Niall had brought it up the other night, he's still not used to talking about it. “The morning after?” He says, hoping Niall understands exactly what he's referring to.

“Yeah?” Niall answers, clearly knowing which morning Louis is talking about.

“I didn't run out because I couldn't stand to be in the same room as you. I ran out because you were drunk that night and I wasn't and I thought you'd wake up and be, I don't know, pissed off or disgusted, you know? I didn't want to be there to see that. I didn't want to see you looking at me and remembering it and being grossed out by what we did.”

Niall exhales heavily and it spills over Louis' neck, making him shiver. After another beat, there are lips on his neck, light and comforting. “You're an idiot,” he says into Louis' skin. “And I was the opposite of grossed out by it.”

Louis doesn't have anything else to say so he just leans back against Niall for a while longer, frowning to himself when the lips pull away from his neck. Finally, he pats Niall's hand, still spread over his stomach.

“I'm going to bed now,” he says softly.

Niall's thumb rubs over his shirt for a second before he drops his hand away. “Goodnight then, Tommo,” he replies, practically whispering.

Louis doesn't look back as he walks toward his bedroom, wondering where the line is at this point, if there even is one. It seems to have been rubbed away, just a smudge left in its place.

-

The next Saturday, Louis is home, waiting for Harry to show up. He'd texted the day before, saying he had some stuff of Louis' and asking when he could stop by. Louis had specifically picked a time when Niall would be at work, just in case. He's not in the business of pouring salt on the wounds of people he cares about and he suspects that this will go better if Niall isn't there.

When he arrives, Louis smiles a hesitant smile, wanting to seem kind, but not wanting to overdo it. He's not happy about their break up, even if it's become clear that it was inevitable and ultimately for the best. Harry seems okay, though, if a little uncomfortable to be seeing him again.

“Hey, come in,” Louis says, holding the door open wide. “Thanks for bringing the stuff by. You probably could have just pitched it.”

Harry smiles and shakes his head as he makes his way into the flat, Louis closing the door behind him. “It's mostly just shirts I nicked,” he explains, holding out the bag with a sheepish grin. “I nicked a lot of shirts.”

Louis laughs and takes it from him, glad that things between them aren't awful. He'd love to keep Harry in his life, but he thinks they both need some time before they figure that out. Louis needs some time to figure _everything_ out.

“Well, it's appreciated anyway,” he says through his smile, looking down into the bag for a moment. “I've got some stuff of yours, too. Can't be sure I got all of it, but I did a little sweep of the flat after you texted.”

He disappears into his room to grab the bag he'd filled with odds and ends Harry had left behind, the evidence of Harry's presence in his life for the past year and a half. It's mostly CD's and books and stuff, along with some toiletries he'd kept at the flat once he'd started staying over regularly.

When he hands it over, Harry smiles a little, but it's a sad smile and Louis gets it. It's like twisting the knife, just to make sure the relationship is well and truly dead. Louis really does hate endings.

“I'm glad it's him, you know,” Harry finally says after a long moment of silence. “If it was going to be someone else, I'm glad it's Niall.” He lifts his gaze to Louis, head tilted to the side thoughtfully. “I knew I'd never be able to compete against him for your affection, you know? Just never thought I had to.”

Louis frowns and fights his instinct to move in and hug him. It's probably too soon for that. “I'm sorry,” he says because he doesn't know what else to say and apologies seem appropriate right now.

“I know, Lou,” he says, the corners of his lips twitching up. “I'm just saying I'm glad it's him. Makes it easier knowing it wasn't really a fair fight. He was always going to win, so I know it's not about how I wasn't good enough.”

Louis is frozen for a moment before he's moving, no longer giving a fuck if it's too soon. He hugs Harry, gently enough that the boy can pull away if he wants to. He doesn't, though, and Louis exhales over his shoulder, trying to find the right words.

“It most definitely was _not_ about how you weren't good enough,” he says lowly, letting his eyes fall shut. “That's why this is so hard. You were perfect, Harry, really. You _are_ perfect.”

After a minute, Louis finally pulls away, taking a step back to let Harry breathe. This was good, seeing him and talking to him. He might have needed it.

“I have to get going, actually. Liam's waiting downstairs.”

Louis furrows his brow. “He could have come up, you know. I wouldn't have minded.”

Harry smiles, dropping his head and looking down into the bag in his hands. “I asked him not to,” he says with a shrug. “Just one of those things.”

Louis nods his understanding. If Liam had been there, they might not have said the things they did and those things are important. Louis is so, so glad they got to be said.

“So, maybe I'll see you around?” Harry says as he steps toward the door. “Maybe even- I mean, maybe not today or tomorrow, but I think I'd even be okay hanging out with you and Niall eventually?”

Louis bites his lip, not knowing what to say to that. He thinks he knows what Harry means and he really doesn't _have_ to go there, but the words slip out of his mouth anyway. “We're not dating or anything. Just so you know. I haven't really figured everything out yet.”

Harry stares at him like he's got two heads for a few seconds, then lifts a hand to cover his face, shaking his head back and forth. “You've got to be kidding me,” he says, smiling under his hand. “You're ridiculous, Louis. You know that, right?”

Louis shuffles his weight back and forth, not quite following what Harry's saying. Before he can guess, Harry goes on.

“You spent weeks obsessing over him kissing another lad, you cried when- well, you know,” he covers, graciously not bringing up the whole sex in the club toilets thing. “You choose him in every decision you've ever made, Louis. It's always him and you bloody well know it's always going to be him, so what the hell are you waiting for?”

Louis could tell him. He could explain that he's waiting for it to hit, waiting for the fall. He could explain that he's waiting for the fear to pass, the one that makes him feel like he's drowning when he thinks about the inevitability of losing Niall if he goes for it. He could tell Harry all about how very fucked up he is and how he's lucky to have gotten away when he did. He doesn't, though. That's his shit to deal with, to work his way through.

“I just need a bit of time,” he says, pushing his hands into his pockets. “Let things settle.”

Harry rolls his eyes and stares for a second before he opens the door and steps out. “Well, together or not. It would be nice if we could be friends. Once those things have settled.”

Louis smiles and gives Harry one last quick hug before he says goodbye. Louis hopes it works out. He likes the idea that this ending could maybe come with a beginning, too.

-

The days pass by and he and Niall are good. They're great, really. They're completely normal except for the occasional moment, like when they're laughing and Niall shoves him, then pulls him close by the back of his neck and Louis almost forgets not to lean in. Or when they say goodnight and stand in the dark hallway between their rooms, holding each other far longer than they should.

But even in those moments, it doesn't get awkward because so much has been said between them, so much is understood. They both know they're dancing right on the edge of something and when Louis' eyes flick up to Niall's as his fingers trace over his jaw, he just smiles and leans away, pushing his fingers between Niall's instead.

It's possible that Harry was right and he's an idiot for not jumping into this, but _this_ is the most important thing in his life. It's his whole life, it's everything, and Louis can't just jump in and hope it turns out alright. He can't leave something this huge to chance.

After work Friday night, when Louis gets the door of their flat pushed open, grumbling to himself about how they should really call the landlord about it, Niall pops up from his place on the couch and runs at him. Louis has bags filled with groceries in his hands but Niall doesn't let that deter him from physically lifting him off the ground in a hug, swinging him around.

Louis, completely caught off guard, yelps and grips the bags in his hands tighter. “What the bloody hell, Horan?” He asks, even though he's laughing a bit because whatever is going on, it's clearly good.

Niall sets him down, letting Louis see his face properly. He's grinning brightly, his eyes shining, and Louis' heart flips in his chest at the sight.

“Guess who got a job in charge of golf course operations at that huge sports complex across town,” he says, absolutely beaming.

“Are you serious?” Louis asks, his eyes going big and smile spreading so wide that it hurts his cheeks.

“Yeah, and I mean, I know it's not a big deal-”

He's cut off when Louis drops the groceries in his hands and jumps into Niall's arms again because a simple hug is not enough for this moment. Niall is _happy,_ really happy, and Louis can see that he's proud of himself and that's enough, in Louis' opinion, to have a fucking parade, complete with floats and fireworks and cotton candy.

“You're amazing,” he says, slipping down a bit even as Niall holds him up. “You're amazing and you're going to _kill it_ and I'm so happy for you I could scream.”

Niall laughs and hikes Louis up against him. “Don't scream.”

Louis leans back because he has to see his smile some more, has to bask in his best friend's happiness a bit. Niall's smile softens as he looks up at Louis, just enough to make his heart flip again.

“You'll get us evicted,” he adds, his laughter dying out, but the brightness of it sticking to his skin.

Louis' smile twitches up happily. He hopes he's as light in Niall's arms as he feels because he doesn't really want to fall back down to earth yet. He likes it here.

“You could kiss me?” Niall suggests quietly, almost wincing as the words come out like he wants to stuff them back in.

Louis stares for a long moment, his own smile never really disappearing as he looks, lifting a hand to cup the side of Niall's face. “I could do that,” he finally says.

Like their last kiss, it's so easy to just lean in and cross the smudged line that's left between them and romance. But, unlike their last kiss, this one is not over within moments and they're not frozen still. Louis presses in, tasting lemon lime soda on Niall's lips and he smiles a little into the kiss because it feels familiar even though it's not a thing he's tasted before, the combination of Niall's lips and citrus. It feels like something he knows intimately and thoroughly and he licks out to taste more of it.

Niall groans at that and parts his lips slowly, carefully. Louis throws caution to the wind and takes Niall's bottom lip between his own, sucking gently. He's not going to get too caught up in this kiss and let it become more than that, but he sure as fuck is going to enjoy it. He lets go of Niall's lip and just barely dips his tongue out as he kisses, sliding his lips against Niall's.

When their tongues meet for just a moment, Louis shivers at the feeling, his fingers sliding up into Niall's hair. But then Niall stumbles a bit and that brings Louis back to himself, remembering that he is actually still being held up by his deceptively strong, but still quite scrawny friend.

With a sigh, he pulls back, chuckling when Niall's eyes are still closed as he frowns, brow creasing like he's waiting for Louis to come back. “You can put me down now,” he says, wiggling a little in Niall's arms.

Niall finally opens his eyes and releases Louis' legs, letting him drop to the ground. Louis smiles, but then looks down at the floor beneath him and his smile falls.

“Oh, fuck, I bought eggs,” he says, cringing to himself as he looks over the mess of spilt groceries around him.

Niall laughs loudly at that and Louis looks up, trying to glare, but finding it difficult to do so in the moment.

“Of course you did,” Niall says, reaching over and ruffling Louis' hair before squatting down to start gathering things up.

They find that only two of the eggs are actually broken and they didn't leak out onto the floor, so Louis considers that a success. As they get the groceries put away, Louis bounces on his feet, feeling happier than he has in a long while. It's like Niall's new job is a breath of fresh air and Louis can feel it as much as Niall can. It's as much of a win for him as it is for his mate.

When the food is stored away, Louis leans back against the counter, grinning as Niall steps up and wraps him in an embrace, pressing Louis' bum back into the counter. Louis sighs happily, but then Niall shifts and kisses the corner of his mouth, like he's asking a question.

“Not yet,” Louis answers, even if it's not the easiest thing to refuse. “We still have some things to talk about first, yeah?”

Niall exhales like he knew it was coming and leans back to look into Louis' eyes, lifting his arms to rest atop Louis' shoulders.

“But first, you're going to tell me all about your new job. And we're going to drink the rest of that bottle of tequila over there,” he adds, nodding toward the quarter-full bottle on the counter next to them. “And then we're going to go out, just you and me. We're going to go out and have fun and we can talk about this,” he hesitates, lifting his hand to Niall's jaw and sliding his thumb over the boy's bottom lip, “tomorrow, okay?”

Niall tilts his head and bites Louis' thumb before he agrees. Louis kind of loves him.

-

As it works out, the order of things gets a little jumbled. Niall tells him about his job and they finish off the tequila and that's all fine and good. But when they get to the club and have another couple of drinks, Louis' buzz takes over his brain. They're dancing and Niall's hands are on him and it's enough to make him forget about the talking they're supposed to do the next day.

Louis pulls Niall into him and kisses him as they dance. He can still taste citrus on his tongue through the sharp bite of tequila and it makes Louis giggle into his lips. Niall laughs, too, even though he can't know what's funny, even though _Louis_ barely even knows what's funny. It's just a good night, he guesses. One that should be laughed through.

“You're my favourite kisser,” Niall mumbles, breaking away for a moment to look into Louis' eyes. “Favourite lips, favourite person.” It comes out as a wistful sigh and Louis has forgotten why he was afraid of this.

It's _Niall._ It's not like he's giving away any more of himself. He'd given away the last pieces years ago.

“I love you,” Louis says, trying to control his smile as he bounces up on the balls of his feet. They stopped dancing at some point, just holding onto each other in the sea of people. “I might be in love with you.”

Niall's eyes do this thing where they light up slowly behind the glassiness of the liquor in his system. It's quite cute and Louis bites his lip as he watches.

“Really?” He asks, eyebrows shooting up.

Louis leans into him, pressing their chests together and dropping his chin onto Niall's shoulder. He does realize that this is terrible timing for this conversation, that he'd had a much better plan formed in his head, but fuck it. He's finally found the courage to actually talk. He may mess it up, but he feels like it'll be okay even if he does.

“I'm not sure. I don't know the difference. I keep- shouldn't I have noticed that? If I fell in love with you?”

Niall is quiet long enough that Louis starts to wonder if he heard him, so he pushes himself back. Niall smiles when their eyes meet and he presses their lips together once, then drops his forehead against Louis'.

“Don't think of it like that then,” he says and, even with his eyes shut, Louis can feel him shrug. “Do you care about me?”

Louis grins and brings his hand to the back of Niall's neck, running his fingertips over the warm skin there. “You know I do. More than anyone.”

“Do you want me?” He pulls his forehead away from Louis' as the question runs hot through Louis' veins.

“Yes,” he answers honestly, swallowing.

Niall kisses him again, softly, then breathes out over them. “Isn't that enough?”

It sounds so simple. He cares about Niall. He _loves_ him, loves him so much he can hardly stand it sometimes. And he wants him, wants his lips and his tongue and everything else, wants him in every way.

It really seems like enough right now. He's sure there's nothing missing.

“It might be,” he finally says.

They kiss again and then they kiss some more and the laughter comes back, caught between their lips, little puffs of it bursting from their corners of their mouths. If this isn't what being in love feels like, Louis doesn't need to be in love. This, he decides, is definitely enough.

-

Somehow, they manage to fall asleep that night with their clothes on. Between the dancing and the alcohol, Louis is exhausted and he can tell Niall is, too, so they press close under Niall's comforter and fall asleep touching at every point.

In the morning, Niall's side of the bed is empty and Louis frowns, rolling over it. The sheets are warm and they smell like Niall and he almost falls asleep again, but his need to piss pulls him out of bed and into the bathroom.

After having a wee and brushing his teeth, he opens the door to see Niall walking from the kitchen, a cup of tea in each hand and a box of cereal tucked under his chin.

“Bedroom,” he says, trying to nod toward it and almost losing the box.

Louis laughs sleepily and reaches under Niall's arm to grab the box without spilling the tea before he ducks into the bedroom, jumping up on the bed. They're going to talk. Louis knows the signs.

Once Niall sits down on his side of the bed and they turn toward each other, knees touching where they're folded in, Louis decides to jump right in. Maybe the sleep sticking to his brain will help somehow.

“If we do this for real, if we actually date- relationship, boyfriends, all of it. If we do it and it doesn't work out, I don't know if I could handle that, you know?” He sticks his hands under his thighs and looks into the eyes patiently look back at him. “That's what I'm afraid of. That's what's holding me back.”

It's something he's never worried about before Niall. With Harry and any other boyfriend he's ever had, he just jumped into it because he had nothing to lose. With Niall, he could lose everything.

Niall nods because he knew Louis was thinking that, of course he did. “I get that and I've felt that way, too. Of course I couldn't handle losing you either. I've been afraid of losing you for years. Every time you'd start dating someone new, I'd just hold my breath and hope you didn't drift away.”

Louis' hands twitch with the need to reach out to him, but he stuffs them further under his legs, not wanting them to fall back on touching like they always do. This time, it has to be words. It has to be all of them.

“But, the thing is, we've basically been dating all our lives, haven't we?” He asks, a soft nervousness playing at the corners of his lips and in his lifted eyebrows. “What is there that we haven't already done that's going to make it fall apart? Our lives are already completely intertwined, we already live together, we spend more time together than most couples do. So, if we take the step and do it, what's going to make it more likely to end?”

Louis smiles a bit as he thinks that over. He knows that a lot of couples are together for decades before it falls apart, but suddenly it seems silly to worry about that. If they're going to drift apart, it'll happen with or without the relationship. But Louis can't imagine ever letting that happen and, looking into Niall's eyes, he trusts that he wouldn't either.

“So, would our anniversary be today or whatever the fuck day it was when you asked me to play on the seesaw with you?” He asks, chuckling at the thought.

“September 10th,” Niall replies quietly, without hesitation.

Louis stops laughing, his eyes going wide. “Holy shit, you remember that?”

Niall's cheeks go a bit red, but he glares defensively. “I was counting down to my birthday! I was screaming around my house that it was three days to my birthday and my mum brought me to the playground to get my energy out. That's when I found you.”

Louis' expression softens at that and he nods, reaching for his tea. He sips, playing back his very fuzzy memory of being on the swings when a blonde boy his age came over and asked if he wanted to play. They'd done the seesaw and the slide and Louis even tried to climb up on the monkey bars before his mum came over and reminded him which things he couldn't play on.

Louis never liked limits and didn't think they should apply to him, so he stomped away and sat on the balance beam, pulling the pack of chocolate biscuits he'd brought along out of his pocket. Niall sat next to him and told him that he would bet Louis could do the monkey bars better than anyone if his mum let him. Louis gave him half of his biscuits and told him he was going to keep him forever.

“Let's do it,” he says, still stuck in his blurry memory. “All of it, fucking everything.”

When Louis refocuses on the present and looks into Niall's eyes, they're brighter than anything, even brighter than the day before when he'd announced his new job. He's trying to keep his smile down, but there's no hiding the light.

“You're sure?”

Louis smiles, thinking maybe he's not hiding his own light very well, either. “I'm sure,” he says, nodding. “And I'm keeping you forever.”

Niall grins and reaches out, taking Louis' cup. Once he's set it down safely, he excitedly pulls Louis down until they're lying chest to chest, their heads at the foot of the bed.

“Fuck yeah, you're keeping me forever,” he mumbles before pushing into Louis' lips.

Louis kisses him around his smile, thinking that he's glad he took the time he did. He'll probably always have quiet little fears and anxieties, deep in the corners of his mind, but he can't hear them now. Right now, all he can hear is the pounding of his heart and the slide of their lips as they kiss. Right now, that's all that matters.

-

That night, when they fall into Niall's bed together, Louis isn't sure if there are any lines left. As they kiss, he drops his hand over Niall's thigh, waiting for a push one way or the other. Niall just keeps kissing him, so Louis moves his hand up slowly, kneading into his flesh through his joggers. He gets a little hum in response, but nothing else.

Then he remembers that this is Niall, not some boy he barely knows, and he leans away from the kiss. “So, can I touch your dick or can't I?”

Niall's eyes go wide for a split second before he breaks into fits of laughter and Louis follows, laughing himself. It's nice, this. Sex and love and friendship, Louis thinks they all go together pretty well.

“I'd really rather you did, if I'm honest,” he answers, laughter still coming out in soft breaths.

Louis smiles and keeps his eyes on him as he lifts his hand, fingers finding the outline of his cock, hard underneath the material covering it. “Good,” he says with a smirk as Niall's eyelids flutter in a way that makes Louis' stomach swoop. “I'd rather I did, too.”

Niall smiles, sucking in the corner of his bottom lip and looks into Louis' eyes. This is more than nice, Louis decides. Looking into the eyes of his best friend as he rubs over his cock. It's like combining all of Louis' favourite things in the world in one moment, one experience. He can't believe he ever doubted how great this could be.

“So tell me something, Horan,” he says, going for playfully casual, but his voice coming out a bit too low and a bit too husky for it to work. “You say you've kissed other blokes, yeah?”

Niall nods, jaw dropping just a little when Louis squeezes his fingers around him through his joggers.

“Have you shagged them, too?”

“No,” Niall answers immediately, his hips twitching up as Louis continues to stroke him. “Bit of fooling around, nothing too- never fucked any of them.”

Louis pulls his hand away and climbs over the boy, now pouting at the lack of friction. Louis settles his knees around Niall's hips, sitting back on his thighs.

“And you're not at all freaked out that, aside from being your wonderful best friend who you've loved all your life, I do actually have a dick and I do actually plan on getting it out around you fairly often?”

Niall looks at him like he's gone mad, then reaches up to pinch his nipple hard. “I did notice, you knob.”

Louis grins, but then Niall tucks his finger into the waistband of his boxers and Louis drops his gaze, his breath catching.

“You could get it out around me right now if you wanted?”

Louis bites his lip, then looks up to find Niall still staring at his boxers, at the obvious tenting at the front where Louis is half-hard. “You can,” he offers. “If you want.”

Niall actually licks his lips before he pulls on the elastic of Louis' boxers, tugging them down until his cock is uncovered. Louis doesn't look away from Niall's face, watching him stare at his dick. He doesn't know what he was expecting, but Niall smiles a bit as he brushes his fingers over it.

“What are you thinking?” Louis asks softly. He's curious because it doesn't seem like Niall is a fan of dicks in general, but he's certainly not showing any apprehension now.

“Right now?” He answers, wrapping his fingers around Louis gently and moving them just a bit. “Thinking that every bloody part of you is beautiful, isn't it?” Louis smiles around a small gasp, dropping his hand to rest on Niall's forearm as his eyes fall shut. “Wondering what it'd feel like inside me, too.”

Louis' eyes fly open wide at that as he snaps his head down to stare at Niall in shock. The words tear through him, making him swell quickly under Niall's gentle touch and suddenly he feels like he might come just from the thought.

“You serious?” He chokes out, gaping down at him.

Niall shrugs, still smiling coyly and finally looks away from Louis' dick and up into his eyes instead. “I've heard you're pretty good at it.”

Louis' cheeks go hot, not understanding but afraid of what that means. “Who- who-” He stutters, feeling horrified at the thought of Harry or even one of the ones before him telling Niall about their sex life.

“Walls are thin, Tommo,” he says, quieter this time. “And Harry's quite a vocal young lad, isn't he?”

Before Louis can let his mind go to a bad, guilty place, Niall sits up, moving his arms around Louis' back. “It's okay,” he promises as he shuffles back to lean against the wall behind him, pulling Louis along and keeping him close. “I'll get my turn soon, yeah?”

Louis still feels bad, but then Niall's fumbling between them, pulling his own pants down and letting his dick pop out. It taps against Louis' and that brings him back to the moment, a shiver running through his body at the feeling.

They swear at the same time and Louis drops his forehead against Niall's, looking down between them as Niall stretches his fingers to wrap around both of them. Louis gasps again as he feels Niall's hot skin pressing along the bottom of his own cock and he can't help but buck forward into it.

“God, Niall,” Louis rasps out, rocking his hips forward again and again, building a rhythm. Niall keeps them pressed together and, with each thrust, the slide of his hand and his cock make Louis tremble down to his bones.

“This is good, a little preview,” Niall says thickly, shallow breaths filling the space around his words. “You'll do it, right? To me, you'll fuck me?”

Louis hadn't even noticed his eyelids had sunk down, but he snaps them open now, peering into Niall's eyes, the hint of insecurity hidden there. “Don't ask daft questions,” he practically growls out before pressing his lips into Niall's.

Niall eventually comes first and it's beautiful, the line of his neck as it stretches back, the broken throaty cry that spills from his lips. Louis tries to memorize it, but he knows he'll have more opportunities to etch it into his mind.

Louis tries to pull away to finish himself off, but Niall tells him to keep going, that he wants to feel it on his skin. It's enough to nudge him up to the edge and Louis fucks against Niall's cock a couple more times to tip him over it. With a long moan that gets stuck in his throat, he spills onto Niall's stomach and hand and, when he slides back a bit, right over the head of his dick.

When Niall's hand falls away, Louis goes still, wrapping his arms around the boy's shoulders and leaning into him tiredly, muscles shaking.

“That right there,” he breathes out heavily, “was better than most actual sex I've had.”

Niall shifts until his lips press against Louis' collarbone and the feeling is good enough to make him want to pass out. “Sorry for bringing up Harry and all that during,” he whispers, sliding his lips over and pressing kisses along the line of his collarbone, then over the curve of his shoulder.

“Do you know why it's so good with you?” Louis asks, shuddering as the tip of Niall's tongue slides wet over Louis' skin. “It's so good because it's still us, even when we're breathless and about to come, it's still _us_ and we can still talk.” He regretfully leans back, away from Niall's lips, to smile at him, face to face. “Always talk to me.”

Niall grins and captures his lips, agreeing into them.

As they fall asleep, Niall combs through Louis' hair and whispers “love you”. Louis doesn't know which way he means it, if he means the friendship love they've always passed back and forth or if he means the _in love_ kind of love that seems be settling around them.

Then he wonders if there's any difference between the two when it comes to them. He wonders if it's been the same bloody thing all along.

-

Louis is in the kitchen, discovering how a hand mixer works when Niall gets home from his last day of work. It's Saturday and he starts the new job Monday and he's been buzzing all week, ready to move on. Louis wanted to do something special for his last day, but he's had some issues, like figuring out where they keep the paddle things for the mixer. It took him twenty minutes just to find the stupid things, then another five to figure out how to get them in.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Niall asks curiously as he steps into the kitchen.

Louis frowns at the bowl in front of him, then sighs sadly as Niall presses into his back, hands on Louis' hips. “I wanted to surprise you,” he says, feeling disappointed at his failure. “I was going to have them all done by the time you got home but there were complications.”

Niall laughs softly and kisses the back of Louis' neck. “Well, I need to shower and get the stink of pizza off me one last time, so you have more time, okay? You can pretend I was never here.”

Louis drops the mixer on the counter and turns, wrapping his arms around Niall's shoulders. “Can I tell you a secret?” He says softly, fingers rubbing against the short, fuzzy hairs at the nape of Niall's neck.

“Okay,” Niall answers slowly, seeming worried.

Louis just grins and touches his nose to the boy's. “I've grown to fucking love the smell of pizza,” he says, smiling as he breathes in the scent. “Like, walking down the road, when I pass a pizza shop? I just stop and breathe it in because it reminds me of your skin when you carry it home with you.”

Niall is still for a beat before he's reaching up to pull Louis closer, pressing their lips together. “You're a freak,” he says against Louis' lips, thumb sweeping over his jawline.

“I'm an _idiot,_ ” Louis corrects, kissing Niall's bottom lip before pulling back. “For not realizing what that meant, standing in the middle of the sodding pavement in front of a pizza shop and thinking about you.”

Niall's smile is small and fond, making his whole face look gentle. Louis thinks it might be a look reserved for him and that makes him feel warm all over.

“You're in love with me,” he says, like he knows it, like he can see it in Louis' eyes and on his skin.

Louis takes a deep breath, looking into Niall's eyes. “I figured out why I never felt myself fall in love, why I never felt anything change,” he says quietly. “It's because I fell in love with you on a playground seventeen years ago.”

Of course nothing ever changed, he's realized. He's been in love since before he knew what love was.

Niall can't hide his grin as he pushes Louis back against the counter and kisses him hard, a lifetime worth of love almost tangible in the press of their lips.

-

After Niall has finally showered, he comes back into the kitchen in a pair of boxers just as Louis puts the cupcakes in the oven. He hopes they won't be too terrible because this is Niall's big moment and he should have more to offer than an admission of love.

“I have to check these in twenty minutes,” Louis says over his shoulder, closing the oven door. “Don't let me forget.”

“Why don't you just set a timer?” Niall asks, pulling Louis over to push him back against the counter again.

“Isn't that, like, cheating?” Louis asks with a smile, pulling Niall in for a kiss.

“Even if it was, that wouldn't stop you. You always cheat.”

Louis frowns because he doesn't _always_ cheat. Only when he knows he can't win. Before he can make that point, Niall's fingers are fiddling with the zip on his trousers, pulling it down. Louis hums out his interest, kissing Niall as his trousers are opened up and pushed down along with his pants until they're down around his knees.

“What in the _world_ do you think you're doing, Mr. Horan?” He whispers, pulling away from Niall's lips so he can pretend to be offended by this sudden undressing.

“As much as I appreciate the cupcakes, there's something else I'd rather have,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Oh?” Louis asks, waiting. He doesn't have to wait long, though, before Niall is hoisting him up onto the counter and his bare arse is sticking to the ceramic. “ _Excuse_ me,” he teases even as Niall leans down to kiss Louis' still mostly soft cock, “but what makes you think this is yours to take?”

Niall grins and licks out, holding it gently with his fingers as he does. “It's my party,” he says, moving his fingers a bit to get the blood flowing faster to Louis' dick.

Louis bites down on his lip at the feeling and lifts his eyebrows. “What? And you'll suck if you want to?”

“Fuckin' right, I will,” Niall laughs before slipping Louis into his mouth and sucking down gently.

Louis can't come up with a witty response as his cock swells on Niall's tongue, the boy not having had much experience but still being able to make Louis' body glow with a warm, buzzing feeling. He's certainly not bad at this, alternating between long swipes of his lips down the length and the heat of his tongue over the head. Louis lets out a groan, pushing his arse to the edge of the counter and leaning back uncomfortably to give Niall more room. Comfort isn't so important right now anyway.

“This seems wrong,” Louis grits out, staring down at Niall's lips wrapped tightly around the end of his cock, blue eyes shining up at him. “This is your big night. Shouldn't this be happening the other way?”

Niall pushes down once more before pulling off slowly, his tongue trailing along the bottom of Louis' dick. When his mouth is empty, he licks his lips and smiles up at Louis. “Trying to get you warmed up for the thing I really want,” he says, lifting his eyebrows and tugging his fingers up Louis' cock before leaning down to lick again.

The beat of Louis' heart speeds up more as he watches, skin tingling with the thought of what's coming. “You sure?” He asks, his fingers gripping the edge of the counter like a vice to keep him still.

At that, Niall sucks down harder, humming out an “mhmm” with his mouth stuffed full, and Louis gasps at the vibration, staring wide-eyed down at him. This is going to be too fucking much, he decides in the moment. Seeing Niall under him is going to be too fucking much.

When he's pulled down off the counter, Louis holds his trousers up around his thighs with one hand and his dick with the other. He turns off the oven, abandoning his cupcakes, and follows Niall into his bedroom.

It really is too fucking much when they're naked and Louis is kneeling between his best mate and, apparently, love of his life's legs. It's just weird enough to be exciting, just familiar enough to be comforting. It's just right enough to make Louis smile as he pushes a pillow under Niall's hips and lies down on his stomach himself, pushing the boy's legs back.

“Well, this is-” Niall grunts out, holding his knees back for Louis as he hesitates. “Interesting,” he decides.

Louis laughs, and then laughs even harder when Niall practically squeals at the air puffing out over his arse. “If you don't like it, tell me, okay?” He says, turning his head to kiss high up on Niall's thigh. “We can skip past it if you want to.”

“Yeah,” Niall answers. “Yeah, okay.”

But when Louis licks out gently, his soft tongue smoothing over the puckered skin, Niall's breath catches. Louis smiles as he swipes again, a warm, wet trail that passes over Niall's hole without focusing too much on it. A couple more times and Niall is spreading his legs more where he's holding them back, a little signal that he at least wants to keep going.

Louis focuses in more, flicking his tongue over Niall's rim quickly, keeping the pressure light for the moment. This is Louis' favourite, when it's a tease, almost a tickle, over the sensitive skin. He doesn't know how much Niall has tested this area of his body out, but he's guessing this is fairly new to him.

“Any thoughts you'd like to share yet?” Louis asks between flicks of his tongue.

He can actually feel the shudder that runs through Niall. “I think- _god,_ ” he exhales, body tensing as Louis points his tongue and just barely pushes against his hole. “Think I could get off like this if you kept going.”

Louis grins, his tongue pulling back into his mouth, and he noses at Niall's balls, pressing a kiss to the skin just beneath them. He makes sure his tongue is good and wet again before pressing the tip of it against Niall's hole and pushing inside slowly. He's tight, the muscle tense around Louis' tongue, so he wiggles it a bit in hopes of loosening Niall up, only for him to seize up even more when he suddenly laughs. Louis pulls back, chuckling himself at the reaction.

“I'm sorry,” Niall breathes out, calming down. “Fuck, sorry, just not used to it.”

“I know, bud, just try to relax.” He drags a dry thumb over the spit-slick skin, massaging against the opening a bit in hopes that it'll draw out some of Niall's tension. It does and his muscles fall again, getting back into it.

“There we go,” Louis whispers, ducking back down and replacing his thumb with his tongue.

Niall stays relaxed this time, letting Louis lick into him as much as he can. He moans as Louis tries to draw his tongue in circles inside to loosen the tight muscle. It's incredible and sometimes Louis has to stop to breathe for a second, nuzzling happily against the warm skin.

But there's only so much his tongue can do and Niall did say he wanted this, so Louis pulls away with one last wet kiss over the opening, lifting himself to kneel.

“How're we doing up there?” He asks breathlessly, his lips still wet.

Niall is flushed from his cheeks to his chest, his own breath coming heavily. It's amazing to finally see him like this.

“That's fuckin'- why don't people talk about how fuckin' good that is?” He asks, almost indignantly.

Louis laughs and leans down over him, kissing him around his laboured breath. “People are idiots,” he says, grinning as he sits back.

He's glad he decided to start with that because Niall is relaxed enough not to be nervous about the next part. Louis gets his fingers lubed up and Niall just lies there, legs spread as he waits. When Louis slides a slick finger down, rubbing over his hole, he just looks up at Louis and nods.

The first finger goes in easily enough, even if the muscles are still tight enough to make Louis lose his breath for a second. Niall makes a funny face like he can't decide if he likes it or not, mouth gaping just a bit and brow furrowed. Louis takes his time, easing the finger in slowly, then drawing it back in a steady rhythm.

“Oh,” he finally says, high-pitched and breathy as Louis curls his finger, dragging it over the soft wall as he pulls back. “Oh, that's quite-”

He never finishes the sentence, dropping his head back as Louis keeps going, twisting his finger to hit every spot he can. Eventually, he adds a second and then a third and it takes a long time, but Louis is happy just doing this. Even if he wasn't going to replace his fingers with his dick, he'd be happy to just do this all night and soak up every twitching muscle and puff of air Niall offered.

That's not all there is, though. When Louis can fuck three fingers in with little resistance and when Niall isn't showing any signs of pain, he slips them out and rips open a condom, looking down as he gets it on.

“You're sure you want to do this, right?” Niall asks, propping himself up on his elbows, that beautiful bright red still streaking across his skin.

Louis tilts his head, getting the condom rolled up, then leans down to kiss Niall twice, two slow pecks before he leans back a few inches to look into his eyes. “I one thousand percent want to do this. Do you?”

Niall's eyes smile before his lips do. “ _Two_ thousand percent,” he whispers, lifting a hand to pull Louis back in for another long kiss.

When his cock is lubed up, he holds it with one hand, the other hand gripping Niall's hip, his thumb fitting into the hollow between his leg and his body. He pushes in slowly and Niall's eyes scrunch up as he gets inside, but he manages not to completely tense up which is more than Louis can say about his first time. Meanwhile, Louis is just trying to keep his head on as Niall squeezes in around him.

“Good, Ni, good,” he mutters as he slides in, a little bit at a time. “Shit, _Jesus._ ”

Niall is silent as Louis gets himself mostly buried, then stills, needing a moment himself as much as he needs to give Niall a moment.

“You good?” He checks, dropping his hands by Niall's shoulders and leaning down.

Niall nods, his eyes screwed tightly shut, then lets out a loud breath, opening them and finding Louis. “Yeah, think so,” he answers. “Fuck, you're really inside of me.”

Louis cracks a grin even though he's trembling from the tight squeeze on his cock and he lifts a hand to cup the side of Niall's face, dragging his thumb over the heated skin. “I really am, aren't I?”

There's a quick moment, just eyes locked onto eyes and mirrored smiles, where Louis can feel all of it, their entire history up to this point. It's so huge, but in the moment, it shrinks down so that Louis can fit it all into his brain, every detail of their existence together. It's remarkable how it's all still there, how he's carried every bit of it with him.

As they kiss, Louis moves his hips slowly, letting Niall hold onto him. It's so good, _too_ good, but Louis makes sure Niall can take it before he starts going a little faster, harder. And, when he does, Niall gives him the loveliest little moans, desperate pleas masked by shaky breath. Louis fucks him deep, never speeding up too much to make sure they can really feel it.

“You're my favourite person,” Niall breathes out, his hands threaded into Louis' hair as they kiss. His voice hitches just a tiny bit with each thrust and Louis isn't sure he's ever heard anything hotter.

Louis lets his smile and his kiss respond for him and he thinks Niall hears it, even in his silence.

He reaches down and finds Niall's cock, hard on his belly, and grips it, fingers flicking over the length. Leaning back, he watches Niall fall apart. He wonders if it'll ever get old, watching the boy's muscles contract until he comes, spilling over Louis' hand as his mouth falls open in a not-quite-silent groan.

Louis comes moments later, his face buried into Niall's neck and his hand fisted on the boy's stomach, still wet with his come.

It's too fucking much.

 

-five years later-

 

Louis is a college graduate. After seeing Niall find something that had made him so happy (not to mention something he's fucking good at considering the fact that he's been promoted twice since then), Louis had eventually decided that he needed to go back to school. It's been fucking hell, trying to work enough to pay his share of the rent while still attending classes full-time, but he's done it. And if his friends helped him a little (a lot) along the way, none of his professors need to know that.

“I've got champagne!” Zayn announces, holding up the bottle as he walks into their living room where they're all spread out.

Louis grins as he pours, dividing the champagne into eight plastic cups until the bottle is empty. He makes sure everyone has one before he stands, raising his own cup.

“Louis Tomlinson,” he says, in mock seriousness. “Official college graduate, future marketing executive, and all-around wonderful human being. I think we should all say a kind word about our dear friend to toast. I'll start.” He clears his throat and looks Louis in the eyes. “To Louis, who still comes to every one of my shows and takes me home when I can't find my way myself.”

Louis grins, thinking about the night Zayn had been so out of it that he barely even knew who Louis _was._ He'd pushed him into his backseat of his car and driven him back to their flat, somehow managing to get him upstairs. Niall was very confused when he came down from their bedroom, half-asleep, and saw Louis struggling to get Zayn onto the couch.

“To Louis,” Perrie says, next to Zayn. “Who takes my husband home when he's being a fucking idiot.”

Louis laughs, feeling Niall's hand spread out over his back, warm and cozy like this whole night has been.

“To Louis.” Liam smiles, his eyes gone squinty the way they do when he's either extremely happy or tipsy. Tonight, it's a bit of both. “Who will fight someone with no hesitation if they so much as bump into one of his friends the wrong way.”

Louis can feel himself starting to blush at their words as he remembers the night someone had spilled their drink on Liam and been an absolute prick about it. Louis had almost gotten into an actual fistfight at the age of twenty-five. He wasn't even drunk.

“To Louis.” Josh gives him a happy smile. “Who not only didn't kick my ass for kissing the man he loved, but who gave me a place to stay when I needed one.”

Louis drops his head against Niall's shoulder, feeling a bit emotional. He doesn't want to embarrass himself by getting teary, but Josh has been Niall's closest friend for years now and Louis remembers when Niall was out of town on a business trip for a week. Josh had showed up at their door, just dumped by his girlfriend of almost two years and newly homeless. Louis had dragged him inside and made the couch into a bed and stayed up for hours hugging him as he cried. It was, he had since learned, exactly what Josh had done for Niall the night the two of them had walked into their old flat to see Louis and Harry fucking.

“To Louis,” Nick says dryly from underneath Harry's long body. “Who, I don't know, was a great shag,” he says, shrugging.

Louis slaps a hand to his face as everyone laughs. He remembers when Harry had showed up with Nick at one of their gatherings and Louis had nearly choked on his own tongue. His one night stand from the office had somehow found his way into Harry's life and, if that doesn't explain karma, Louis isn't sure what does.

“To Louis,” Harry says, eyes sparkling down at Louis. “Who, agreed, was a great shag,” he says quickly, glancing down at Nick for a moment before his gaze returns. Louis is mortified. “But, more importantly, has been there for me at every step over these past few years.”

Louis' lips twitch into a frown because his friendship doesn't deserve any thanks, especially when these people have done as much for him as he's done for them, if not more. Harry didn't even need to let Louis back into his life, much less let him become a close friend. Louis should be thanking _him_ for that.

“To Louis,” Niall says softly, right over his ear, breaking him from his thoughts. He leans back against Niall's chest, waiting to see what this will be. He hesitates for a long moment, though, and Louis furrows his brow, about to turn around, when Niall speaks again, “who should marry me.”

Louis freezes for a second, eyes going wide. They've talked about marriage, of course, but things have been so up in the air with Louis going back to school and being so busy. Later, they always agreed. They'd talk about it when Louis graduated, when things settled down.

He pulls himself away from Niall's chest and turns to look at him. The question is still in his eyes, one corner of his mouth tucked up. Louis stares, mouth gaping open, until he hears Zayn cough and turns to see six sets of eyes staring, some widened in surprise and some less impressed (Nick).

“Oh,” he finally says, shaking his head to bring himself back to the moment, turning back to Niall. “Well, yeah, obviously,” he says, fighting a smile. “'Course I will.”

Niall smiles, relieved, and leans forward. “Good,” he says quietly before their lips meet in a soft kiss.

A round of obnoxious cheering sounds out and everyone drinks their champagne before Zayn disappears and reappears with another bottle.

As the night goes on, Louis makes his way onto Niall's lap just so he can lean in and kiss him easily at any moment the desire strikes. The desire strikes often and he's about to just straddle him and start a full-on snog session when the first people start to leave. They filter out slowly, drying up the plastic cups of champagne and saying their goodbyes, until Josh finally leaves after they insist they really don't need help cleaning up. And then they're alone and Louis drags Niall up to their lofted bedroom and pushes him back onto the bed.

“Big day,” he says, crawling over him. “Just couldn't wait, could you?”

“Couldn't. Can't,” Niall answers, grinning, as he slides his hands down Louis' back until they can grip his bum, pulling him down. “You know when I first thought about marrying you?”

Louis hums out a question, slipping to the side to make sure Niall can breathe. He settles half on top of Niall, tucked into all of his corners.

“It was when your dad left,” he says quietly, his arms squeezing around Louis. “You said something about how marriage never lasted, how nothing ever lasts. And we were still really young, but I looked at you and I thought that if we got married, we'd last. I wanted to tell you that then but I wasn't sure how you'd take it and you were already upset, so I just hugged you instead.”

Louis feels a little swell of emotion and he's not sure exactly what the emotion is, but he's learned not to worry about stuff like that. He's learned that not all emotions can be labeled clearly.

“Not much lasts,” Louis says, lifting his head to look down into Niall's eyes. “But you have,” he smiles, bringing a finger up to tap Niall's nose, “and we will.”

As they kiss again, Louis thinks about all the bumps they've already made it over, the twists and turns they've gotten around safely. They made it through the night of fucking after the last graduation. They made it through over five years of being with other people and being ignorant to their feelings. They made it through these past four years, with Louis being more stressed than he ever remembers being, trying to juggle school, work, friends, and Niall. And while Louis has certainly had his moments, Niall has almost always made it easier instead of harder.

He thinks back to one of their lowest points, but also the thing that set them in motion, the moment that could have torn them apart, but instead pushed them together. Niall had explained it in detail not long after they'd gotten together, when Louis' curiosity had peaked. The night Niall kissed Josh.

Louis and Harry had gone into the bedroom. Niall said the conversation died out and Liam was starting to drift off, so they turned the telly off and the lights down, settling in. But they could hear the noises coming from Louis' bedroom and, while Zayn found it hilarious, Niall got pissed off and went out onto the balcony. Not long after, Josh came out with a spliff he'd begged off of Zayn.

Josh had looked Niall in the eye and asked if he had feelings for Louis. Niall was too tired and irritated to lie, so he just looked out into the darkness quietly and smoked the spliff when Josh handed it to him. And then, his bitterness and sadness coiling together, he turned to Josh and told him about his quest to find the feeling from the night after graduation again. He told him how he'd dated girls and kissed boys and how he'd never found it. Josh had frowned and asked if Niall wanted to give it a go with him, apparently just enough weed and alcohol in his system, mixing with a particular fondness for Niall from the off.

They'd snogged for a long while even though Niall knew right away that it wasn't what he was looking for. He just needed lips on his for a bit and Josh was at least a good kisser. But then they'd pulled out of it and finished the spliff as Niall unloaded some of what he'd been feeling for years, things he'd never told another person.

“I don't know if I want a real wedding,” Louis says, pulling away from Niall's lips and looking down into his eyes again. “Do you?”

Niall shrugs below him, fingers tracing up and down Louis' spine like a habit. “Don't much care, if I'm honest. I just want the marriage.”

Louis smiles at the word that they've said before but means so much more now. “Me too,” he says, nodding decisively. “But regardless of what we do, I want Josh to be there. Best man or witness or whatever you call it. He should be there.”

Niall nods, pushing his hand up under Louis' shirt to touch his skin. “Seems fitting,” he says, then adds: “And Harry, too.”

“Harry, too,” Louis agrees, nodding, because he played an important part in this, too, and he's become Louis' closest friend aside from Niall. “But not Nick.”

Niall laughs loudly at that, and shakes his head. “Definitely not Nick.”

Harry will probably pout about it and get his way anyway and Louis will get married to the person he loves more than anything as his once-one-night-stand yawns loudly in the background, but life never is just perfect. Louis has learned that, too, over the past ten years. When they'd graduated, they thought they would be rich and famous. They thought they'd conquer the world, be kings.

But Louis' idea of success has changed quite a bit in that time. He still wants a good job and he wouldn't mind being rich, of course, but that's not what he really cares about anymore. Now, it's about this boy in his arms and the handful of friends that keep his life exciting and full.

“We're killing it,” Louis whispers, looking into Niall's eyes and running his fingers through his hair slowly. “Life. We're fucking smashing it.”

Niall smiles back, the words that don't need to be spoken passing through the air between them. “Fuckin' right we are.”

They still celebrate every year on September 10th. This will be their twenty-third year together.


End file.
